Time

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that I am still young. I have to tell myself that I am not actually over the hill and still have plenty of fight left in me. Lately, I've gotten lost in everything that has happened in the past year. I've been completely abused, in terms of my trust and the scars are most definitely starting to show. I'm so mean to people. It takes a lot for me to just ease up and let people get near me, whereas before, I was untrusting, but only secretly. I am stand offish and basically a complete bitch.

I need to remember that I am actually capable of doing whatever the fuck I want and that every single person around me isn't going to go out of their way to stop that. I need to remember that the person that was so full of confidence is still around somewhere (seriously, where?!?) and that I am going to prove everyone wrong. I've allowed myself to be put on the peg of failure for too long, and it is high time I started to move past the bad shit, and look forward to the future I have been promising myself for years; No more dwelling.

I deserve to be happy. I've made it this far, I may as well go the distance. It's time to set the world on fire.

=)

Granda

No one is invincible.

Every superhero has a weakness;

Every cape needs to be hung up.

Folded neatly in wait;

Making way for the next brave soul -

To take flight,

To ease the struggle,

To be the strength -

In an otherwise terrifying world.

While we stand, weak,

You take flight into the wind,

Fighting the battles we can’t,

Ensuring our safety.

With powers so rarely found,

A heart made of solid gold;

stubborn generosity.

With effortless wisdom,

You remain strong,

Our beacon of courage.

Now,

As we face an uncertain future,

We look to memories for inspiration,

To help us remain hopeful,

To help us fight the unbeatable.

And even now,

Even when the inevitable occurs,

I know to look to the sky;

With a guiding hand,

You have always been my hero.

Dreams become reality

For dreams become reality

and life goes on..

A single breath floats higher

than even an eye can see

Polluting a skyline

so darkened with fears

So bright with ignorance.

A single look shoots forward

scorning even the hidden from view

catching fingers in locks;

so damning to touch,

so tempting to escape.

I lay in positions for a first time

mouthing "love" in areas yet untouched

killing fears with a confident battle

well practised

well thought

yet still so unfamiliar.

Stationery, I fall back into dread

winding moments of time

around enthused fingers.

holding tight; allowing them to flourish.

For dreams become reality

and life goes on..

Just Another Night...

It was fucking cold, especially considering the scorching heat just a few hours earlier. There were drops of dew hanging limply from the tips of the grass at our feet, and I had, very stupidly, decided to remain in my shorts for the night. My legs were soaked already and we had only just gotten out of the car. My breath was jumping out of my mouth - the lights shining up from Dublin City making it shine almost magically. I remember thinking that if I were in a movie, it would be an artistic vision. I wasn't though, and reality closed in on me when I could see the approach of headlights from around the bend of the hill leading to the point where we had parked. I got the usual knot of nervousness when we had to deal with these assholes. Jack knows my weaknesses more than even I do. He knows I will never carry a weapon.

"Weapons are just asking for trouble."

I lived by that 'mantra' regardless. Whatever he threw at me, I could take and I would just notch it up as one more thing I could never forgive him for. If I am honest though, the whole knowing each other's weaknesses goes both ways. I know that as much as he continues to do so, he hates hurting me. He flinches every time he hits me and for that reason and no other, I insist on being the one that fights him. The boys can deal with the other fools, so long as I can keep Jack off their backs for a while.

The black Lexus pulled up about twenty feet from Diego's car, and subsequently, from where we stood. I was leaning on the bonnet wishing I had have brought a jacket with me, when three of them emerged from the car. I could barely make them out in the darkness, but there was no denying Jack's huge frame as he walked to the front of his car.

"I just wanna talk, babe. I promise."

This was ridiculous. We were like the fucking mafia having a conversation instead of a group of twenty-something Southsiders. I laughed at the inner monologue in my head. Martin threw me a glare of disgust. I winked at him and smiled. If only Jack knew he had been trying to fuck me only a few weeks before, completely willing to go against his older cousin in doing so. Ugly bastard. Diego nudged me with his elbow telling me to behave. He got so nervous in these situations. It's as if he thinks he is the only one that can control what happens. If something happens to me, he immediately puts it on his own shoulders to make it better in some way. It frustrates me. I nudged him back in a pseudo-retaliation.

Diego moved forward a few steps so that he and Keith could talk to Martin and Hughesy. I hung back on the bonnet of the car, hugging my knee to my chest for warmth. I watched Jack suspiciously, he was texting someone. It made me nervous. He kept glancing over to where I sat, I couldn't make out his facial expression though. I had a bad feeling about his phone being in his hand. He moved to walk towards me, his phone lighting up a smirk that spread across his face.

"Take one more step in that direction, Kinane, and I will break every bone in your fucking body."

Diego was watching him too, apparently. Jack was not impressed with the way he was being spoken to. His smirk faded a little.

"She wants me, Didi," he said with a wink.

Diego went to move at him, but Keith held him back. This is when I had to step in. I stood up, walking over to where Diego stood. I put his arm around me, partly to keep warm, partly to show where my loyalty lay. He seemed to relax a little, so I smiled at him; one eye kept on Jack at all times.

The screeching of brakes could be heard before the headlights appeared on the hill. Diego pushed me behind him, but I ran at Jack from his other side.

"Who the fuck is that?" I roared at him, breaking my silence.

He laughed at me, knowing that he had once again made me react before it was necessary. Diego had Martin on the ground in seconds.

"What the fuck is this, Kinane? What happened to just talking?"

"That's all we're doing, if you call off the bitch we can work this out amicably."

"Fuck you, Jack," I spat at him, backing off a little, "and no that isn't an invitation."

Diego stepped so as that he was between me and Jack. He looked nervous as Mairead's car pulled up alongside the Lexus. Fuck. Paula was in the car which meant I had to deal with her too. The bitch needs to just fucking die at this stage, I thought to myself. She always seems to know when to get in the way. We didn't stand a chance now. Jack would have the run of us so long as she was there. Dermo jumped out from the back seat and walked up to Jack. They were talking too quietly for me to hear them, but I saw Jack laugh and take something from him.

We were truly fucked. I looked at Diego and knew that he was watching them too. By the look on his face, I am guessing he heard what they were saying.

"Get in the car, babe, please?" He pleaded with me.

I gave him a look that screamed "fuck off", but I eased back to the car, resting once again on the bonnet of the car. How could we have been so fucking stupid as to have trusted that all this was going to be was a conversation. Diego knew what Jack was trying to do, and the look he had given me made me nervous. I felt physically sick at the memories of the last time I had met Jack alone. I was shaking. I tried to hold my composure - impossible considering a I was having a fucking seizure on the bonnet of the car. They were all talking, but I heard nothing. Keith had stepped in. He was trying to calm things down; trying to make a deal.

Mairead was staring at me from her car. I hate her. Every time I see her I want to dance on her head and this time was no different. Paula, the fat fuck, was sitting beside her - if you can even call it that. She was squashed into the seat, the seatbelt very visibly being eaten by one of her chins. I should have been thankful that she hadn't gotten out of the car, but I wanted her to, more than ever. The rage was starting to bubble up in my chest. I was no longer sitting on the car, but watching myself get up and move towards them. Diego was calling at me to stop and Jack was flashing that dangerously gorgeous grin of his. He had me in the palm of his hand. Diego pulled me back, throwing me against the Lexus. Paula squeezed herself out of the car she was sitting in and limped to Jack's side. She was watching me, pull myself up to try and calm myself down.

"What are you looking at, fat fuck?" I spat, "I'm not edible."

Everyone laughed except Paula and Diego. She had something in her hand which he must have spotted.

"C'mon now, Kers, don't be such a bitch," Jack laughed.

"I thought you liked me most when I'm a bitch? It must run in the family"

I shot Martin a glance. If I was going down, I was taking Ug with me. He looked petrified. His arse was filthy from where Diego had pushed him to the ground.

Dermo was leaning in the window talking to Mairead while Keith kept trying to talk Jack down. Diego came over to me. He was speaking quietly.

"Listen, Ker, this isn't looking good..."

"No shit.. we're going to have to fight."

"Yeah.. I know. Reckon you can handle Paula if we try to get the rest of them? I'm guessing Hughie is reluctant to get involved, he just got his badge, and Mairead won't want to break a nail."

"What about Jack?"

"He will go straight for me, so if you can catch him with one, while I get Martin out of the way, we'll be sorted. Paula can't move that fast."

"YEAH, THAT'S 'CAUSE SHE'S A WHALE," I shouted while shooting Paula a look.

"Was that really necessary?" He was laughing.

He took me by the hand and brought me over to Keith. He would catch on as soon as everything went down. I was trying to calm down my nerves while more words were being exchanged. Martin was getting rowdy and kept coming at Diego. Fucking eejit. He didn't stand a chance.

Martin is a 5'5 ugly midget with small man syndrome. His muscles would have been impressive if he didn't look like his mother spat him out instead of giving birth to him. I stand at least three inches taller than him, barefooted, and I had a suspicion that he wore heightened shoes. Seriously, he actually thought he had a chance with me, poor fucker.

I wasn't listening to anything being said, but I could feel the tension in the air building around me. Diego was right beside me, and I was waiting for his move to let me know when I should move. Martin was going to be the one to kick things off. I could feel Jack's eyes burn into me. I felt dirty and ready all at once. We all knew he would be apprehensive to use weapons on me. He had only once before, and it was a mistake. He could take me without them.

Martin moved. He was squaring up to Diego and it was all about to kick off. I waited until Diego punched him and ran. I rugby tackled Jack, taking a blow to the ribs on my way down. His fist crushing my breath in one go. I fell to the floor in a heap on top of Jack and he merely threw me off and launched himself at Diego. I didn't have time to worry about him though, Paula was waddling towards me with a hungry look in her eye. I soldiered through the pain in my side and kicked out at her leg. She fell on top of me with an earth shattering thud.

"WHAT THE FUCK?! GET THE FUCK OFF ME.. I CAN'T BREATHE!!"

I could hear Jack laugh just as I could feel the sharp burn of something ripping into my leg. Bitch had stabbed me. OH fuck no. I shimmied out from under the fat bastard as quickly as I could and let loose on her. The details escape me; I wasn't me. The anger had gotten the better of me and I had little or no control over what I was doing. Jack was puling me off of her though, and he was winning that tug of war. My body bounced off the gravel and I lay gasping for breath. I felt almost unconscious, but I knew I couldn't be. I could see the sky. The stars were winking at me. I sat up to see what damage had been done. My leg was bleeding quite heavily but it was only a flesh wound. I'd survive.

Diego was laying on the ground; he wasn't moving. I panicked. All of the pain hit me at once and I was crippled, but I still managed to make it halfway to my feet when I felt a solid blow to the side of my head. Gone. When I came to, Keith was huddling over me, calling my name. He told me to get up and run to the car. I couldn't move. I couldn't focus my vision and I couldn't speak. I heard sirens in the distance. FUCK.

I mustered every ounce of my strength and hobbled to the car, just falling into the back seat. The other two cars were gone. Diego was in the passenger seat, slouched against the window. His face was bleeding pretty badly. I don't remember much after this except I was limping into Diego's house and Maria was standing at the door. She looked like she was crying. We must have looked a fucking state walking in. The clothes I had on me were caked in blood and dirt. I'm not sure it was all of my blood though. I needed new clothes, this was fucking sick. I started to strip off in the kitchen until Maria led me up to Diego's room. I stole some tracksuit bottoms, boxers and a hoody.I washed myself off, wincing at the massive bruise that was forming on my hairline. Maria put some paper stitches on my leg and body. The bleeding eventually stopped. Diego was laying on the couch in a bad way. I went to him, helping to undress him. I washed him slowly.

He was laughing then.

"Jesus Ker, who died?"

"Asshole"

We were all laughing then. I think we all realised how lucky we were to get away from them alive. Keith, being the only one able to walk, went to the off licence and bought two bottles of Vodka and a bottle of Rum. We sat and we drank - I cried laughing as Keith gave an impression of me shimmying out from underneath Paula.

"I was trying to hold off Jack while laughing at you screaming when she fell on you. Fat fuck could have killed you."

"Yeah, no shit, dick. Thanks for the help by the way."

I threw a cushion at him. When we had been filled in on all of the details, Diego called for a taxi to take me home. I must have looked like a lunatic stumbling out of his house; baggy clothes and bruises. The taxi driver took one look;

"You have a good night, love?"

"Yeah, it was pretty good actually," I smiled.

Fragile; Broken.

Fragile; she stood there.

Broken; she hid the scars.

Green eyes gleam from beneath blonde curls

dirty strands flitting across a smeared face

oil stained; translucent skin glows

Bones poking from her naked body.

Fragile; she stands in shame.

Broken; she hides the memories.

Huddled against her ribs

Merely a toothpick for prey

She watches for the movement in you

she waits for you to save her

Her filthy fingers circling her hip

her nails scratching away his scent

Fragile; she will stand in wait.

Broken; she will hide her need.

Forgotten amongst the wilderness

A corpse lays against the foot of some branches

mouth agape and naked.

Her eyes remain open; her green eyes killed.

a dead stare at the sky

still watching as every dream takes off without her

leaving her scummed limbs to wrap around her knees.

Fragile; she remained hopeful.

Broken; she kept on hiding.

Broken Guarded

Deceivingly strong hands

so soft

so graceful

capable of destruction

t e a r i n g my soul apart

y a n k i n g me from the seams

t y i n g me in knots

seductively unravelling

every hidden [guarded]

belief

sending me into a dive

losing control

on a wave of emotion.

tears fall.. your eyes

piecing me back together

throwing me a lifeline

collecting my debris

your sentiments becoming my glue

yet still...

I step uncertainly

not knowing

not wanting to know

what comes next

shards of everything

[I once knew]

poking through my skin

protecting me [guarding]

from all that has yet to come

Mismatching fragments

rebuilt

with matching figments

lopsided with concern

crippled with fear.

s i l e n t l y

I transform

yielding to extremes

too fragile

too strong

too hurt

too confident

[too broken]

Inna - Hot (True Love Video Edit) (On Ultra Dance 11 out now)

Could really use a wish right now..

Acidic fingernails

scratching layers

peeling

familiarity

in sheets

from defeat

and oblivion.

Glitter falls

in rain drops

Glistening

yet murky.

Unclear

yet still

so needed.

Stained fingertips

Stoke fires

Curling

everything

around delicate knuckles

plucking nothing

from thickened air.

Pushed

off the side.

Clinging

from the ledge.

Stubborn.

Not wanting to let go.

Not knowing what's coming.

Not ready to change.

Needing wings,

yet without an ability

to fly.

Almost...

My fingers spread

[Intrepid in their confidence]

each digit contentedly making room

for a hand that's only almost there.

The unfilled spaces shooting daggers

Aimed straight at my chest.

Silky calves glide across soft cotton sheets

[seductively wanting your touch]

Knees bending upwards seeking comfort

from a body that's only almost there.

Cold shivers erupting a loneliness

Gripping blankets for warmth.

Conversations orbit my mind

[enthralling and familiar]

The ebb and flow of sarcasm

from a voice only almost there.

Dream-like perfection stinging

In the reality of a hallucination.

Goosebumps emerge on bare skin

[Milk white and needy]

A shudder in anticipation

For fingertips that are only almost there

Frustration building- controlling

A building ache for attention.

Eyes dart across every crowd

[Excitedly hoping that maybe...]

searching for a face;

A person that's only almost there.

Disappointment squeezing my insides

until I remind myself to smile.

F a l l i n g

into dreams where

skin touches

whispers tickle

and

kisses never end

fingers drape

touches linger

and

eyes meet.

W a k i n g

to find

I have it all -

almost.

[so close to perfect]

Getting lost in sheets

Waiting for an almost eventuality.

Indulging in a single fantasy

[Hoping against inevitability]

Tomorrow

when I open my eyes to see you

You won't only be almost here.

These days...

Sometimes it is as if, no matter what I have going on, something bigger is on it's way. I live such an unpredictable life, that it is no wonder that I am going crazy right now. My life went from being on the right path, to not being on any sort of path at all. It seems as though all I do these days is work and wait. I am waiting for something to happen, constantly. I am waiting for medical tests, scared to death of the answer and I'm waiting for Diego to call me and let me know what the hell is going on. I try my hardest to keep everyone happy. I try to be the daughter my mother wants. I try to be a good friend, a good worker, a good sister, a good girlfriend. I try so hard, that as soon as I let anything slip even slightly, I become tormented with guilt.

I'm running into friends I went to school with who have started their chosen careers. Teachers, Scientists and Accountants. Here I am, with two failed courses and back living at home. It's depressing to feel like such a failure every day of your life. It's difficult knowing you had the world at your fingertips and yet still have nothing to show for it.

I'm at the stage where I want to pack up and leave.

Leave the world behind.

Homicidal

So I have had to move back home. Thrown back to the wolves as it were. I am a little lost and can feel all of the negative emotions building. I well up and spill over at the slightest thing. It's kind of crazy. I'm trying my hardest to keep everyone happy but, it just doesn't seem like I can anymore. I don't have the power to make everyone happy, I just seem to fuck things up more and more. I am back drinking way too much; It's only making things worse. I know all of this and yet I keep doing it because seriously, what else am I going to do?!

The mood swings are getting worse, but I can deal with that. I need a job and I need something to study and I will be golden. The fucking economy in this country is diabolical though so I guess we'll see what happens. It doesn't really matter what I do though at this stage, I am never going to make my mother happy. She doesn't know how to be there for me. Her other children, yeah no problem, me - not so much. She just throws every single flaw I possess at me until I just want to curl up and die. I forgot how difficult it is to live with her. One more thing to overcome.

Ugh. I need my own place or I will end up turning bat shit crazy and taking out every single person in this house. CSI murders stylee.

I can honestly say I have tried. I have given everything I can to fixing this shit and I am giving no more. When you are going to call me just to tell me everything I have ever done to wrong you, I am going to hang up. Don't act so surprised. My list is a lot longer. I swear it is getting to the point where I wish I had never met you, or ever talked to you. I don't want to regret you. I love you, I always have, but this shit is just taking the piss.

My life right now is a fucking mess of silly drama and ridiculous situations that I can't get out of. You are not making it any easier by reminding me of my shortcomings. I get that you are hurting right now, but I didn't do that. I am not the cause of your misery, and I would appreciate it if you didn't become the source of mine.

I don't know what my next step is. I no longer want to be where I am, and you are making it increasingly more difficult. I'm glad that you have so much compassion for my situation though, thanks for that. I really appreciate everything you're doing right now. I'll get on to that list right away. Dick.

Argh!

Breathing slower than ever, I try to concentrate on anything at all that doesn't involve you and I can't. I'm beginning to think it's impossible. I would say it is a daily occurrence, but that would make me a liar. It is every second of every minute of every, single day.

Nervous fingers tracing along steaming, hot skin; fingertips barely touching and grazing. inducing moans of need. Silent O's swim out from between bleeding lips, and legs draw closer together. Teeth scratch at collarbones.. a swirling tongue dancing along your neck..

I can't lie to you. I resent every feeling that you make me feel. I hate every skeleton you drag out of me and abolish. It makes me want to scream when I know I can no longer be self sufficient when all I can do is want to feel your body pressed against mine, or listen to your voice.

Intrepid palms slide up along your torso, pulling your top slowly upwards. Your skin revealing itself to my my eyes and mouth in agonising seconds of anticipation. Delicate kisses land on waiting skin, and your back arcs to meet my mouth.

I try to tell myself I should have walked away when I wasn't so caught up; when I wasn't addicted. In reality though, I never could have. I've never not been addicted. The first time we talked, actually talked, I couldn't get enough. I'm fooling myself to ever believe that I didn't want this. I just never believed it would be this powerfully magnetic. So... crucial. It's frustrating beyond belief.

Your breath caresses my neck and throws my mind into a whirlwind of desire. My hands running along your back, pulling your body closer to mine, our skin melting together and our hips grind.

You ask me what I'm thinking. I don't answer because I don't want to seem so hopelessly needy. All I am ever thinking about is you. Even when I am distracted by other things, you're hanging out casually in the background waiting to make your move; always trying to torment me.

Nails drag down along my spine as experienced hands draw out screams, my name hanging from your lips. Eyes meet and bring my lips to yours, your breath catching in my throat as fingers interlock and rise above our heads.

Breathless, I once again have to drag myself back to reality and try to catch what's going on. Once again, I have to suppress every fire and conflict in my head and body and pretend that I am existing on the same level as everyone else. Breathless, I once again try to ignore the pain between my thighs and continue with whatever non sexual and boring task I had been trying to do before you popped into my head.

Untitled

The drops fell in sheets of scarlet red

growing puddles of anger landing on perfectly pale skin.

leaves of a delicate green danced above the ground

to the deafening music with a pitter, patter bass

Tears shed for the lost souls of neglect

silhouettes expanded on a cotton white bedsheet

tidal waves burned salt into the wounds on their wrists

yearning scars blinding with a past so brightly obvious.

Hazel eyes drenching the pores in devotion;

with questions requesting everything there is to offer.

Sighs catch on an ever lingering note

trapped between two heaving chests.

Screams echo against the acid washed walls

Cold cement regurgitating old stories and wishes.

grainy holes develop tiny eyes in order to watch

as flowing water strips bare a skin so sweet yet torturing.

red rain falls and drenches soil clumps

a golden stalk emerging out from the foundations

salt water runs into the sewers

catching on the sleeves of expectant faces.

Have No Envy and No Fear.

I'm not sure I can even remember what was said that night, but I left with a steady stream of tears flowing from my eyes. I left with a heartbreak that was so intense that I felt like my insides would burst into flames and engulf me in its hatred. He looked so weak; like something had sucked every strength that once clung to his muscles, and spat them out to fight him. He wasn't the man I had grown to adore. He was no longer the reason I got up in the morning.

It was raining. I remember the hazy drizzle that scorched my face. I didn't care about the rain so much, it gave me a cover to walk in so that I could be alone. My shoulders shook with a mixture of nervousness, cold and sobbing; thoughts weren't coming at me fast enough. I wanted to forget. I wanted to go away and never come back. I just wanted to run.

The flame from the single candle was slowly turning the silver-plated spoon a golden brown. He sat hunched on the floor beside it, hypnotised by the concoction that he held in his hand. the cylindrical tube sat by his knee; abandoned until he needed it. Tinfoil lay in strips of abused confetti in a perfect circle. The wilting hope I once held being a centre piece in this fucked up squat decoration.

I walked. Nothing else, just a steady movement of my feet. One. Two. Three.. Walls lost all semblance of recognition in my mind. The houses began to grow in size and I walked. Houses shrinking back to affordability; the pain in my feet starting to drag me back into reality. I was realising that regardless of how far I walked, I would never willingly walk away. Not entirely. I had stopped crying, it was just icy rain that flowed down my face now, just the shower of nature's forgiveness washing the emotion from me.

I looked around me, taking in my surroundings for the first time. I had walked to the one place I knew I would be safe, without even trying. My subconscious had protected me once again. I knocked. Jane opened the door slowly and silently. Nothing needed to be said, I am pretty sure she knew exactly why I was there. She always knew. I stood dripping water onto her floors, refusing to walk any further into her house, I merely stood there staring. I must have tried to speak a few times, but I know I didn't say anything. I didn't know how to. I sat down, my back leaning against the door and she slowly started to undress me. She peeled every layer I had from my cold and soaked skin until I sat in my underwear, in a puddle of my own drenched clothing.

My fingers were slowly turning blue. I looked at them like they were no longer a part of my body; like they were a foreign object. I inspected my hands until she clasped them in hers. I wish there was something fantastically dramatic about what happened, but to be honest, she just sat with me as I cried. She held my hand and wanted nothing more than just to sit there with me until I began to shiver and sob uncontrollably.

I have to mention, No one had seen me cry, much less see me lose every sense of control I had. No one would ever see me that bad again, and as heartbreaking as it is, Jane has gone to her grave with this moment perfectly secure as our secret. I can't remember how long we sat there for, but I eventually fell asleep. She didn't move. She stayed there the whole time I slept just holding my hand.

I woke up to her house-mate trying to get into the house. Jane pulled me up from the floor and led me upstairs. She was shouting something at the door. I can't remember what she said, but Al didn't come in until I was safely out of view. I must have seemed so pathetic; being led around the house in the nip in a total dazed confusion.

Jane shoved me into the shower. I think she was expecting me to do something when the water hit me but I didn't. I just stood there, still staring at her; looking for her to answer some unknown question. Then, she done something I definitely wasn't expecting. She stripped off and got into the shower with me. Honest to God, it was the first reaction she got from me that night. Her delicate fingers ran through my hair. I laughed a little when she had to stand up on her toes to wash the shampoo through it. The water was still pouring down over the two of us when she kissed me. We must have been in there for over an hour. Just kissing. It wasn't in any way sexual, We were just going through the exact same thing and needed to feel some sort of connection to something, anything, as long as it was physical.

I don't remember it happening, but we were in her bed. We weren't doing anything, except laying there. I remember looking at her skin and wanting to touch it, but I didn't, not intentionally anyway. Her room is exactly what you wouldn't expect it to look like when you look at her. The flowers she keeps fresh on her desk - kept on her desk - always seemed to be placed so carefully into the hand painted vase. The photos that decorated every wall, were a tribute to a life that we used to live in. The smiles mocked me. His face was all that I could focus on. His strong body and perfect eyes inflicted memories on to me that were nothing but painful. I cried silently, once again, while she lay watching me. No more hands. No more kisses. She cried too. Looking back it seems really quite weird, but in the moment, on that bed, nothing existed beyond the realms of our mourning. We both knew at that exact second, that Jack was lost forever. He would still be there, but not in the way we knew him; not in the way we needed him.

I don't remember sleeping, but I don't remember staying awake. I do remember, however, realising it was morning and feeling as though I should be doing something other than laying naked beside my friend for the day. She must have the exact same thought because she moved to roll over. I grabbed her elbow and pulled her to me. I kissed her softly and held her to me. Her fingers ran along my jawline and then it was over. I don't quite know what made me do it, but I didn't think words would be enough. How do you thank someone for saving your life just by existing?

We got dressed and spoke for the first time. Nothing important was said, but we laughed. It was refreshing to just leave everything in the night before and carry on like normal. She cooked me breakfast, well.. She tried to cook me breakfast but, I ended up doing most of it myself. She can't cook worth a fuck. The sunlight was miserable and grey, if that makes sense? The sun was shining, but it wasn't warm, and it shone in through the giant doors in the kitchen. Lighting up what seemed to be such a normal situation for a couple. We weren't a couple. We'd never be a couple. Even if she wanted that, there was too much to fight against it. I could never be trusted. She could never love me as much as she loved him. I could never love her as much as I loved him. It just failed before it even started.

The thing that started this thought pattern, is that while we cooked, she held on to the belt loops of my jeans and stroked my forehead when I looked at her. As intimate as the morning was, it all seemed to be the intro to some heartbreak or other. Some before picture to a lost love story. The phone rang. Fuck.

We got to he hospital just in time to see him arrive. His eyes were open but he looked straight past us like he had no idea who the hell we were. There were bandages covering his entire arm.. blood seeping through the loose threading. He was a mess. That's the only word for how he looked. It was one of those "what the fuck" sort of moments where nothing you are looking at makes any sense. His giant bulging body looked so.. weak. His face looked so frightened and boyish.

I sat down. What else could I do? Jane paced up and down the waiting room. I couldn't look at her. It all just seemed to be inevitable. She stopped pacing and it was my turn to comfort her. She sat in my lap and cried. I simply sat there and let her get it out until she fell asleep. I didn't move for what seemed like hours. When the nurse came out to tell us what was going on, I remember thinking that her scrubs were too short for her. Always talent scouting. He's asking for you, Kerri. I was confused. I was the one that walked out on him and yet he wanted me.

The room he was in was tiny. The machines seemed so loud and overbearing that I almost turned around to walk out. The lines going in and out of his arms were off putting but seemed almost comforting. almost like they would wash out the problem. The weirdest thoughts go through your head when facing these situations. The beeps seemed to get louder, I wanted to call him R2D2 or something to that affect just to make him smile, but I rethought that. It just seemed to be a little too ridiculous and I was trying to remain as strong as possible.

His eyes were closed so I didn't say anything. I sat in the brick they called a chair beside his bed and just watched his chest rise and fall. Such a manly chest reduced to almost nothing. My hand was on the bed, and my feet were on the locker beside his bed. I was thinking about myself and Jane when his eyes opened, and his hand found mine. I quickly forgot about my morning and right then I knew; regardless of whatever he had ever said, I was the only person he had and I had to remember that. Nothing else mattered more than his life. Not to me, not then.

I was determined to be the one that saved him, regardless of what it took.

"A night in the life of.." Reminiscing on a past life.

The bass shook through my chest; I coughed but it was only the music that reverberated. After everything with Jack I knew I should be trying to talk to Jane but for now I was putting it to the back of my mind. The vodka burned in the back of my throat just as the track changed; another cheesy piece of shit that would be forgotten in a fortnight. Diego's arms caught around my waist as he tried to whisper some slurred message into my ear, but to be honest I really wasn't interested. I think he knew it too. The details all seem so foggy, so unclear considering I told myself to remember them repeatedly.

The shit neon lights cast shadows in every pasty face in the place, no one stood out but I had come to forget so I was determined to find someone. Looking back on that night now, it seems almost dream-like. I moved down the narrow staircase with my cigarette already in my hand. Faceless hands grasped out from dark corners grabbing my arms and neck. Drag queens laughed with flamboyant queers, shooting dagger sharp looks towards me. I laughed as I walked. Some butch girl grabbed my ass and looked offended when her friend licked my ear. I should have slapped them both, but to be honest I just wanted to get outside. The sweat-thick air was suffocating and I needed to talk. Nothing in particular was on my mind but the silence in my mouth was killing me.

I sparked up and stood by the nearest wall; the cold brick was reassuring. Checking my phone for the hundredth time that night, I tried my hardest to remain subtle as I checked out every fucker in the area. The usual clique gay types surrounded the tables, but it was the quiet girl in the corner that caught my attention. She looked lost in thought, and, whether it was curiosity or concern, I wanted to know what was on her mind. Still, I was never going to just walk up to her. Even then I was still quite shy. I stole glances at her every now and then, just to make sure she was still there.

Diego strolled out with some blonde girl. She had tried to kiss me in the bathrooms about ten minutes before and was constantly trying to make conversation with me. Every time she opened her mouth she would find an excuse to touch me. Her voice was fucking irritating; high pitched and heavily laced with Daddy's money. Why the fuck do I keep hanging out with people like this? I let her words shoot past me as I watched quiet girl stand to go back into the club. Did she just laugh at me? She wandered idly past and grinned at me with a knowing look. I had to have imagined that.

I was so confused. What had actually just happened? I waited for Diego and whatsherface to finish their smokes before making a beeline to the door. Fuck being shy, I was going to find out what just went on.

The club was even more packed when we went back in, if that was even possible. The music had picked up speed and as if by rule, the faster the beat the less clothing was worn. Glistening skin surrounded me, and for once I had absolutely no interest in any of it. If I was going to get to the bottom of what quiet girl was laughing at, I was going to need a lot more alcohol in my system. Diego must have read my mind. One of the benefits of having a friend that is 6'5 is that it is almost impossible to ignore him at the bar. It was on. 10 shots and a minute to drink them. My gag reflex should have kicked in after the third but I drowned that fucker in so much Tequila that I swear it went into hiding. Cheers erupted from the skinny after work crowd behind us. The only girl from the group smiled at me - It was a shame she had such bad teeth, really.

Right. I had to find quiet girl and get some information. Diego had other ideas though; he grabbed hold of my elbow and dragged me to the dance floor. Blonde whatsherface tried her hardest to keep up too; her little legs were a blur. I couldn't help from laughing at the look on her face as she tried her hardest to get in between us. Diego held on to my hips and we started grinding to whatever shite was playing. Anyone looking on would have pegged us as anything more than just two very good friends. I think the fact that both of us were looking over the other's shoulder, (or at least under his arm) at whatever talent we had our eye on, was giving our game away though.

Blonde whatsherface started to pout after two songs of not being included. Usually, at this point, one of us had to take one for the team. I think Diego had cottoned on to the fact that she wasn't a fan of the cock though, so he went to dance with some Polish chick that he had been eyeing up. I was left to deal with the brat. She's kind of cute, I suppose.. Fuck it. I gave the girl a pity dance. I can be quite the actress apparently, she believed every bump was my confessions of lust. Not a fucking chance. I was way too sober for this shit.

The music slowed back down again. I motioned to the bar and she followed.. unfortunately. Diego was 'entertaining' the Polish chick in the seating area so I'd have to get my own drinks this time. A small tug on my shirt and a smile at the cute barmaid and I was making my order.

"What can I get you, Kerri?"

What the fuck.. she knows my name?!

I must have looked like a total retard getting those drinks. There was no way I could physically hide that much confusion from my face. She smiled at me as she handed me my drinks (and one for the brat) and just as I went to walk away, she grabbed my hand. Digits.

Without even trying, heh.

I had barely clocked the number on my hand before the blonde brat was climbing on some poor closet gay boy trying to get over the bar to hit her. (In these situations it's best to wait before you laugh.) I almost died laughing. Honestly, I tried to pull her off, but I could barely breathe for laughing so hard. The barmaid (who I would later get to know as Tess) was laughing too though, so I didn't feel too guilty.

Tess had it all under control , she had the powerhouse barman come lift her back out to the crowd without much effort, and winked at me. I want to say she made the "call me" gesture with her hand too, but that could just be my imagination. I felt sort of bad so I followed the brat into the bathroom. The anti heroin lights make me feel kind of sick so I try to avoid the bathrooms as much as possible. If I was making this story up from scratch I'd say that it was just the two of us in there and we had a quiet chat. I'm not. The bathroom was full of screaming fag hags and clucking bulldykes. Brat was standing in line for a cubicle sobbing. It was one of the more surreal things I've seen.

I slid past two women that were dry humping each other on the sinks and smiled nicely at bratgirl. She scowled at me and lifted her hand to slap me. Not on my watch, sweetheart. I grabbed her wrist, threatening her in a non threatening manner - however it is that you do that. Every lesbian in that room turned and looked at me like I had just shot their mother in the face. Why couldn't I have been straight? Then, she said it. The phrase that gets thrown at me from all directions and I hate hearing -

"You have no idea how long I have wanted this."

I lost my temper a little.

"Wanted fucking what?! I only met you an hour ago, for fuck sake!"

"You don't honestly believe someone like you can walk into this place and not get recognised, do you?"

"Well, actually, yeah, I fucking do. Are you on drugs or some shit?"

"I guarantee at least 80% of the women in this room know who you are and I can bet at least 50% of them want to fuck you because of it."

Apparently the bratgirl was a fucking mathematician. I looked around at the 25 or so other women in the room as they idly tried to pretend like they hadn't overheard our screaming conversation. I must have looked lost. One of the dry humpers stopped to turn and look at me. She bit her lip and grinned at her partner.

Oh.My.God.

Everything from the past two hours was starting to make sense. I had actually gained a reputation. I had joined the allegiances of every asshole I had spent the last 5 months of my life trying to avoid. Every time I walked into that club I made an effort to ignore every over inflated ego in the place. Thrill of the chase. I was one of them?!

This.. is.. fucked. In the most awesome form of the expression. I had actually been that naive to think that all of the attention that was thrown at me was merely the norm. I had no idea that every time someone smiled at me it was some sort of ice breaker to get me in bed. Jesus, I had even made a comment to Jack about how friendly the people in here were. I took his laughter for a reaction to me stating the obvious when, really, it was me being completely fucking oblivious.

I was snapped back to reality by bratgirl clinging to me. She was trying to push me backwards into a cubicle to the total shock and amusement to everyone else in the room. The plastic walls were disgusting; this girl had another thing coming if she thought I was going to fuck her in here - anywhere, for that matter. I couldn't formulate a plan quick enough. She had the door locked behind us before I even had time to catch my breath.

"Kerri...?"

Oh thank fuck. I pushed out past her to a waiting Diego. Some butch girl looked completely offended by his presence.

"Oh, shut the fuck up.. you're more of a man than I'll ever be!"

I was still laughing when he grabbed my arm and dragged me straight through the club to leave. I caught Tess pointing and giggling just as the door closed behind me and the cold rain hit me like a ton of fucking bricks.

"Listen, we need to get the fuck out of here."

Diego looked a little shocked and frightened. I was only noticing just how bad it was when a giant Polish man emerged from the door. He must have been 7 feet tall, and wore all black. His arms bulged out from his suit jacket. He was fucking huge.

"Let me guess...."

"Exactly! Now can we fucking run, please?"

I kissed Diego's cheek before making a dash down the surprisingly busy 2am street. He held my hand and pulled me along behind him before the boyfriend of the girl, he had just been fucking in the toilet, caught us. Again, it's best not to laugh in these situations, but the adrenalin, not to mention alcohol, was rushing through me and I felt invincible.

"I didn't interrupt anything did I..?"

We were breathlessly crouching behind a cop car; the foggy clouds swirling in front of our faces, rapidly. I was going to ask Diego if he knew anything about this whole reputation thing but I thought twice and kept it for another time. I was going to tell him he had done me a favour by coming in when he did too, but the words just weren't there.

"Give me your jacket and I'll forgive you.."

Everything else could wait.

What do you want from me?

The bitter cold biting at the back of my neck only ever acts as a reminder to everything I have lost. I am struggling, I have no issues with admitting that right now, yet, it always seems like it's something more. Regardless of how many times I replay the last conversations we had, I still haven't quite grasped what went wrong, or why you changed so drastically. It isn't fair that we've had to be this way for the past few months when in reality, we're gong through the exact same stuff. We both lost her, and yet, still, even now, you blame me. I am still your enemy for some reason. You still take out your frustrations on me when all along I was the only one that had your back.

I don't understand why you need that shit to keep you going. I never will I guess, I just wish I was enough of a presence for you that you wouldn't need it. You're ruining everything you have ever achieved with every fucking hit and I am not going to be the one to stop you this time. I can't keep being the enemy that you long for when you're on a come down. I can't keep being the one you blame when you're withdrawing. It takes it's toll on me and to be honest, I don't think I have it in me this time.

It kills me to know I no longer have my best friend watching my back. It kills me knowing he hates me enough that he would be willing to hurt me in any sort of physical manner. Yet again, it's not just that. The fact that you have less respect for everything I have done for you, everything I gave up for you, so that you can score one more time, is enough to throw me over the edge.

I miss her. More than anyone will ever realise, yet I am not throwing every other relationship I have away this time. If all I ever was to you is another nobody to hate the world and everyone in it, I don't want to know you any more. You told me you loved me, where the fuck has that gone?

I am not willing to go back to how I was just so you won't be mad at me. I refuse to go down the same road as you do to deal with all of this. It's not fair that you keep dong this to me and I am supposed to just wait for it all to end. "Oh, he'll be there for me again soon." That shit just won't cut it this time. You done the one thing I will never forgive you for. You took every promise you made to me and fucked it away like I didn't mean a thing to you. That's love, Jack? You are seriously deluded.

The most heartbreaking part is, if you said tomorrow you were sorry and you needed help. Who would it be getting you healthy? You're seriously wrong if you believe it would be her. I'm always going to be here, even if you can't afford me the same favour. I love you. I miss you like crazy and I really wish I could call you right now, but, I will never forgive you.

"What do you want from me?"

I want you to cut the bullshit and be the friend I need right now. I want you to be the person I always thought you were and sort your shit out. I want to be able to see you, just call you even, and not have to fear for my safety. I want to be able to trust you like I used to and know, that above all else, I had at least one person to count on. I just want the old Jack back.

Superman never saved anyone with a syringe full of heroin.

Sleep deprived

It should be logic that pulls through in each and every decision that we as humans make. It should be that voice that tells you that something just isn't right which pushes you forward through the daily battles. Yet, lately, I find myself relying on an escapist creativity to make my decisions. I divulge in a vast amount of pondering on a daily basis, which has, undoubtedly, reached a level whereby I am no longer capable of controlling it. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but why, when faced with such a huge issue are we suddenly cast into this hug abyss of abstract imagery and floundering speeches? Or is it just me?

I believe my mind is trying to protect me in ways that I will only ever understand on a subconscious level. It's over protective distractions act only as a more frustrating excursion to silly truancies than having any sort of concrete effect on who I am. Whatever has happened in the past couple of months has pretty much incapable of dealing with any emotion other than sheer aggression.

Justified as it may be, I want to move past the desperation of not being able to fix this. Powerless is not something I can do easily. I am fighting with myself more than I am taking it out on anyone else, and quite frankly, I can be a fucking bitch sometimes. Physically, I am in little or no pain, but when I get going on myself over the fucking cesspit of failure that is slowly replacing what were once achievable dreams, I am killing myself slowly. Every single time I make myself look at the facts I can't help but cringe away from the fact that maybe I am not good enough, or maybe my confidence has been a little unjustified. (In some aspects anyway.)

So, faced with the prospect of maybe not being a well read author or industry changing name, what do I do? I fucking write. It is a vicious battle that I can only ever lose. I have a back up plan,yet it just seems a little dismal. Motivation just isn't an option. With such a complicated muse mixed with some complicated drama, I am a prisoner to the English language in the most unproductive way. Fucking typical, eh?

Anyway.. whine over.

PMS may have played a part in some of the depression.

I need to find a way of releasing some of the pent up frustration in a healthy way.

Back to the drawing board.

Okay, let's look at this;

Yes, Jack betrayed me in ways I never expected or could have ever dreamt of. I don't think I'll ever get over it, but really, I didn't get this far without shit happening, right? I am the person no one wanted coming to talk to them. I am the person that you heard whispers about; rumours about what I was capable of. My reputation alone could scare a lot of people into doing what I wanted when I wanted.

I am unstoppable and made of fucking steel.

I just... don't feel like it.

I have taken down the tank that is Paula and right now, I feel as though I could be blown over with a breath.

I want to feel strong. I want to be what is expected of me, yet all I do is end up looking like a complete Dick. I push the ones that I rely on right now away. I know I am doing it; self protection, right? IT'S MAKING ME FUCKING MISERABLE. Whatever else is happening, I am doing my own head in. How fucking irritating can one person get?

So.. considering this new revelation.. I am making a resolution to just be happier. I've done it before, I can do it again. She will help me I am sure. As will the reintroduction of regular writing and work. (That has to be the ultimate in dorkiness, getting excited at the prospect of some school work). I reckon the GAA championships will help a lot too. Some poor unsuspecting country girl will be on the receiving end of my wrath.

I really have no idea what my point was with this post. More random ramblings than anything.

I should really leave it there before I end up posting bank details and NI information for the craic.

It is alien to me to fear. I don't get scared of anything other than what happens in my head. I think that is half of the problem; I think too much about the whole situation. I can handle myself, yeah, but I just can't bring myself to win this one. How can I allow myself to bring down the one person that has given me so much. I realise he has fucked up a lot and I will never forgive that. The nightmares won't allow it. The torture of being unable to trust even myself will never allow it.

I can't talk about what happened because I hate that I let it happen. I am not this girl. I can handle whatever you throw at me, yet lately I feel as though I am fighting a losing battle. Old habits seem more and more appealing with every day and the only thing that stops me is the knowledge that I will have to explain them. There is no hiding it this time.

Truth be told, every time I touch myself, I feel him on me. Every time I fall asleep I feel his breath on my neck and skin; sour stench of stale beer and a sweet scent of familiarity. It fucked me up. Alcohol is the only way I can numb any sort of pressure that builds when I think of him. I hate him in ways that no one will ever be able to comprehend, yet I miss having him in my life. I feel so alone. I realise I have people around me, but no one with the history we have. No one that can bring her back to life for me, even if it is only through memories.

This attack he has undertaken on me, will be what kills me. I can't run from him, yet I can't go to him. I can't just be.

Yes I should want him to be hurt.

Yes I should want to be the one that hurts him.

I just.. can't.

The negativity that surrounds me right now is down to him, solely. I should be relatively happy but this is suffocating me. Every single time I can't bring myself to think of anything but his hands.. I lose my breath and I get lost in everything that should never have been.

Trying to avoid this is the only way out. That, and alcohol.

I just need for him to leave me alone. Just for a while even.

Fuck it.