It is alien to me to fear. I don't get scared of anything other than what happens in my head. I think that is half of the problem; I think too much about the whole situation. I can handle myself, yeah, but I just can't bring myself to win this one. How can I allow myself to bring down the one person that has given me so much. I realise he has fucked up a lot and I will never forgive that. The nightmares won't allow it. The torture of being unable to trust even myself will never allow it.

I can't talk about what happened because I hate that I let it happen. I am not this girl. I can handle whatever you throw at me, yet lately I feel as though I am fighting a losing battle. Old habits seem more and more appealing with every day and the only thing that stops me is the knowledge that I will have to explain them. There is no hiding it this time.

Truth be told, every time I touch myself, I feel him on me. Every time I fall asleep I feel his breath on my neck and skin; sour stench of stale beer and a sweet scent of familiarity. It fucked me up. Alcohol is the only way I can numb any sort of pressure that builds when I think of him. I hate him in ways that no one will ever be able to comprehend, yet I miss having him in my life. I feel so alone. I realise I have people around me, but no one with the history we have. No one that can bring her back to life for me, even if it is only through memories.

This attack he has undertaken on me, will be what kills me. I can't run from him, yet I can't go to him. I can't just be.

Yes I should want him to be hurt.

Yes I should want to be the one that hurts him.

I just.. can't.

The negativity that surrounds me right now is down to him, solely. I should be relatively happy but this is suffocating me. Every single time I can't bring myself to think of anything but his hands.. I lose my breath and I get lost in everything that should never have been.

Trying to avoid this is the only way out. That, and alcohol.

I just need for him to leave me alone. Just for a while even.

Fuck it.