All Nighter Numbness

I know they are working. Despite the fact that I had everything I have ever feared thrown at me in the past four hours, I am unable to get emotional over it. My mind just drifted over to something completely different. I feel kind of guilty for letting any sort of positivity stream into my mind but I need it. Now, more than ever, I need it. My mind has been numbed so much that I am not freaking out or running away from what he said to me, I am just kind of accepting it honesty.

I don't know what I am trying to say One of those side effects they forget to tell you.

"Yeah, you will be fine; you won't go crazy, but, you won't know what the hell you are thinking or trying to say either. Enjoy kiddies."

I hate this. I hate not knowing how I feel. I just sort of am? I know I am unable to handle the sheer magnitude of emotion that could be crippling me right now though, so I am just going to put up with it.

I wish he would talk to me. I really do. I miss him, and need him more than I need anyone in this second. I wish he wasn't angry with me or that he didn't blame me. I'd do anything to prove to him that it wasn't me, that I didn't do this. Literally anything. I shouldn't jump to him so much but he is the only one that will always have my back when I need it, except this once.

He doesn't know that I am the one talking to the doctors.

He doesn't know that I am the one that will make the final decision.

He doesn't know that I am the one talking to the Funeral Home.

He doesn't know that I am the one trying to get Fi clean so that she can mourn her daughter.

As far as he is concerned I am ignoring the whole situation.

At this point though, if he thinks so little of me or who I am, what is the point in telling him that. I am pretty sure he will just assume I am lying to him anyway. I want to prove to him that I am not the selfish fuck up he knows me to be, and that I am trying to help in whatever small way I can. I just refuse to resort to playing "Show n' Tell" with him. I'm not doing this for him. I'm doing this so that no one else has to. I'm doing this, because it is the only way I can have her back on this one.

I am doing this for her.

Like I said though, I wish I didn't have to do it alone.

I simply just don't have a choice in the matter; I'm fated to deal with it all on my own.

The Rain Was The Only Witness

The rain was the only witness.

Pain scorched down and wood met bone. My fight was running its course and I couldn't find a place to hide. She turned up.

"Keep breathing, Babe. I'm here now."

She shouldn't have come. It wasn't her fight. It wasn't even my fight anymore but I had taken the reins and I wasn't going to back down.

"Never go down without a fight, Babe."

I never do. Ever. I just think that if you are now, why can't I? Why aren't you pulling through this. You are a soldier. You're supposed to be able for this. You weren't supposed to be the one I lost. It was always going to be the other way around. You saved my life. You should have let me be the one to take this.

"The wrong person was in that fucking car."

Yeah. I know. I always know what you're thinking, you don't even have to say it.

You always know what I am thinking, which is exactly why you do. You know how to make me feel, especially when I don't want to.

"He's just upset."

No. He's just honest. It was always the way things were supposed to be. It is the natural order that I would be the one lost.

So Stupid.

"Just keep going, babe. You know you're not weak."

I'm not strong either. I'm not able to do this. Positivity just isn't an option right now when all I can hear are the voices that cut through any confidence I can muster up.

"I am fucking untouchable."

Such silly immaturity. Such a hard headed way of looking at things. Machines beep to keep you alive and I know that you're probably wondering what all the fuss is about.

The clocks keep moving and the rain is the only witness.

If I think about every memory that involves you, it kills me. If I think of your laugh or how you used that voice to get me to do things for you. If I allow myself to remember that conversation where I cried about him, I can't help but break down. You always knew how to fix everything. You only talked to me because of him, but stood by me even when he wouldn't. You understood me more than most because you went through it with me. Now, every comfort I once had causes me nothing but pain. I can't breathe. I can't see past the fact that a I type this, you are idly fighting for your life and I am not there to help you. I am not there by your side during the biggest battle of your life, even when I swore blind that I would be. Do you remember that day we made those promises? I won't back out, but know that if it comes to that, he will hate me forever.

Turns out it's a habit of mine.

How can I honestly live while I know you can't? How can I bring myself to face him, when I know he blames me for everything. I am willing to take his blame as long as it makes him better. I can't stand to see him hurt. I am getting unnecessarily angry with stupid stuff that shouldn't even matter. I just want to be there. I know I can't help, but I can at least be there for someone instead of stuck here doing shit all and wondering if he is hating me as much as I do.

"I could never hate either of you."

Turns out you were wrong. I'm sorry, I truly am. I know you hate me, and I shouldn't expect any different after everything, but not this. I didn't do this. You know I would have put myself in that car sooner than I'd have let anyone get into it. I just need you right now. A lot. I can't do this on my own, Jack. I can't. Do you realise that I care more about your opinion of me than I do for even my own? Don't hate me for the wrong reasons, please?

"Why the fuck did you follow me down?"

"Because you would do the exact same thing for me."

I am sorry.

I will never forgive myself.

"If this was the last day of our lives, what would you do?"

Not this.

Axe Murderer

I am so lost, I think I might be numb. I don't know.

I am so self involved that I can't make a right move. I don't know how to deal with all of this properly. Who can I honestly turn to right now? I'm taking so many people down that I'm pretty sure I am standing alone in all of this. What do you honestly do when your whole life is crashing around your ears while you're trying to hold up the lives of other people?

Old habits die hard.

I'm tempted. I'm trying so hard to cope right now, it's only a matter of time before I buckle.

I am not strong enough to keep my head above water any more.

I am not able to keep everything standing.

I'm sorry.

I wish I could help.

I'm making things worse.

I wish I could just disappear.

Nothing can go wrong, and I can't hurt anyone.

I don't even have the strength for that, to be honest.

Russian Roulette

Sweat drips,

Hearts beat

Decisions falter

And the weakening vigour of my ego drops.

“Won’t be me”

Assurances that can’t be felt

There are six barrels and one bullet.

Beatings rain down

Wrong move

Crack.

Wasn’t me.

Tears sting

Pulse drops

Thoughts suffer

And the relief of my suffering ego sighs

“Can’t be me”

A denying urge not quite believed

There are five barrels and one bullet

Bruises kiss my skin

Blood pours

Crack

Wasn’t me.

Scars shine

Beats get thicker

Faith erupts

And the disruption of my ego remains

“Won’t be me”

Positivity that can’t quite be sustained

There are four barrels and one bullet.

Skin slices

Ripping painfully

Crack

Wasn’t me.

Fingers grip

Breaths quicken

Images flash

And the suffering of my ego is evident

“Can’t be me”

Hoping against blind reason

There are three barrels and one bullet

Wounds swell

Painful tenderness

Crack

Wasn’t me.

Sobs control

Empty heart

Nightmares screech

And the remnants of my ego search for a home

“It might be me”

An understanding of inevitability

There are two barrels and one bullet

Bones snap

Muscles destroyed

Crack.

It’s always me.

Faith

Finger tips slip helplessly from afar;

A dagger shedding moments of hysteria.

Nowhere is there such a gripping hold

than right where I am laying my head.

Lullabies of Genocide and cartoons of disaster

missing my body by inches

Strength in numbers protected by angels

Belief in what only might be.

Faith grows stronger with every new second

Bibles burning ferociously beside us

A glide of the yesterdays that haunt our lives

Obliterated by a glow of power.

Crosses hang melancholy backwards and askew

A society which neglects to notice

when shoeless feet tread shards of economy

There is nothing to blame but ourselves.

While we look for escapes of the reality we have

Blaming what we don't understand

Tiny miracles occur unnoticed

Salvation for one hopeless soul

Hate burns wildly in the eyes of the messenger

Red pupils spitting fragments of ignorance

Put down your gun the message is flawed

Chinese whispers don't warrant a bullet

Huge picket sins and screeching letters

Decorate the roads in protest

Of what we can't change in who we are

Nor want to become in the future

It is not what belief is supposed to be

when the wind whistles by in no judgement

When kisses are laid with such tender approach

how far must it go to be seen?

Clouds of desire and true adoration

buckling the argument of hindsight

Tomorrow's victory can only achieve

one more silent but perfect miracle.

Daybreak

Milk bottle squeals

to last minute groans

of blown out candles;

wax dripping helplessly into

puddles.

Greying feathers

upon a dried up arch

haphazardly edging outwards

fuelling the bristles of

bushes.

Immaculate days

brought to light on

the wings

of juggling residues;

Shooting Jupiter with beams of

laughter.

Sworn out faces

clouded in masks of wool

and glitter

Beckoning a demon of

ignorance.

Anonymous plays

on the brow of intelligence

regurgitating vowels;

cess-pits of

humiliation.

Here We Are Again..

I am back to how I always have been. I have my anger back, I have my laugh back and I have the need to be with her firmly gripping my being. I can't not think about her. I can't sit and pretend that she isn't on my mind when in reality there is nothing else on my mind. She consumes every second of every minute and I am quite happy to allow it. I am completely happy with knowing that for as long as I can sit and think, I can sit and think of her.

I need this. I need this desire. It reminds me that I am still real at times. It keeps me in the knowledge that I still exist, that I can still feel and that I haven't allowed myself to numb to the emotional warfare that takes place on the planet on a daily basis. I tried for so long to avoid it that to need it has become a huge shock to the system.

I have done some regrettable things. I have acted out against the feelings but I have recognised it as wrong and fixed it. I am so lost in everything that I want that I have forgotten not to hope. I have forgotten broken promises and empty desire. I have washed away the filth of what has happened in the past and I get excited at the prospect of tomorrow.

I have bad days. I have days where I want nothing more than to walk away, but painfully, she comes to me and I am once again reduced to knowing I couldn't ever just walk away. I am helpless to everything that she stands for and every day I try to live up to the expectation and perfection she deserves. I am nowhere near but I am not done trying.

I am back.

I have my thoughts back.

I have my words back.

I won't let the doubts of others become mine.