Pain scorched down and wood met bone. My fight was running its course and I couldn't find a place to hide. She turned up.
"Keep breathing, Babe. I'm here now."
She shouldn't have come. It wasn't her fight. It wasn't even my fight anymore but I had taken the reins and I wasn't going to back down.
"Never go down without a fight, Babe."
I never do. Ever. I just think that if you are now, why can't I? Why aren't you pulling through this. You are a soldier. You're supposed to be able for this. You weren't supposed to be the one I lost. It was always going to be the other way around. You saved my life. You should have let me be the one to take this.
"The wrong person was in that fucking car."
Yeah. I know. I always know what you're thinking, you don't even have to say it.
You always know what I am thinking, which is exactly why you do. You know how to make me feel, especially when I don't want to.
"He's just upset."
No. He's just honest. It was always the way things were supposed to be. It is the natural order that I would be the one lost.
So Stupid.
"Just keep going, babe. You know you're not weak."
I'm not strong either. I'm not able to do this. Positivity just isn't an option right now when all I can hear are the voices that cut through any confidence I can muster up.
"I am fucking untouchable."
Such silly immaturity. Such a hard headed way of looking at things. Machines beep to keep you alive and I know that you're probably wondering what all the fuss is about.
The clocks keep moving and the rain is the only witness.
If I think about every memory that involves you, it kills me. If I think of your laugh or how you used that voice to get me to do things for you. If I allow myself to remember that conversation where I cried about him, I can't help but break down. You always knew how to fix everything. You only talked to me because of him, but stood by me even when he wouldn't. You understood me more than most because you went through it with me. Now, every comfort I once had causes me nothing but pain. I can't breathe. I can't see past the fact that a I type this, you are idly fighting for your life and I am not there to help you. I am not there by your side during the biggest battle of your life, even when I swore blind that I would be. Do you remember that day we made those promises? I won't back out, but know that if it comes to that, he will hate me forever.
Turns out it's a habit of mine.
How can I honestly live while I know you can't? How can I bring myself to face him, when I know he blames me for everything. I am willing to take his blame as long as it makes him better. I can't stand to see him hurt. I am getting unnecessarily angry with stupid stuff that shouldn't even matter. I just want to be there. I know I can't help, but I can at least be there for someone instead of stuck here doing shit all and wondering if he is hating me as much as I do.
"I could never hate either of you."
Turns out you were wrong. I'm sorry, I truly am. I know you hate me, and I shouldn't expect any different after everything, but not this. I didn't do this. You know I would have put myself in that car sooner than I'd have let anyone get into it. I just need you right now. A lot. I can't do this on my own, Jack. I can't. Do you realise that I care more about your opinion of me than I do for even my own? Don't hate me for the wrong reasons, please?
"Why the fuck did you follow me down?"
"Because you would do the exact same thing for me."
I am sorry.
I will never forgive myself.
"If this was the last day of our lives, what would you do?"
Not this.
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