I don't know what I am trying to say One of those side effects they forget to tell you.
"Yeah, you will be fine; you won't go crazy, but, you won't know what the hell you are thinking or trying to say either. Enjoy kiddies."
I hate this. I hate not knowing how I feel. I just sort of am? I know I am unable to handle the sheer magnitude of emotion that could be crippling me right now though, so I am just going to put up with it.
I wish he would talk to me. I really do. I miss him, and need him more than I need anyone in this second. I wish he wasn't angry with me or that he didn't blame me. I'd do anything to prove to him that it wasn't me, that I didn't do this. Literally anything. I shouldn't jump to him so much but he is the only one that will always have my back when I need it, except this once.
He doesn't know that I am the one talking to the doctors.
He doesn't know that I am the one that will make the final decision.
He doesn't know that I am the one talking to the Funeral Home.
He doesn't know that I am the one trying to get Fi clean so that she can mourn her daughter.
As far as he is concerned I am ignoring the whole situation.
At this point though, if he thinks so little of me or who I am, what is the point in telling him that. I am pretty sure he will just assume I am lying to him anyway. I want to prove to him that I am not the selfish fuck up he knows me to be, and that I am trying to help in whatever small way I can. I just refuse to resort to playing "Show n' Tell" with him. I'm not doing this for him. I'm doing this so that no one else has to. I'm doing this, because it is the only way I can have her back on this one.
I am doing this for her.
Like I said though, I wish I didn't have to do it alone.
I simply just don't have a choice in the matter; I'm fated to deal with it all on my own.
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