Here We Are Again..

I am back to how I always have been. I have my anger back, I have my laugh back and I have the need to be with her firmly gripping my being. I can't not think about her. I can't sit and pretend that she isn't on my mind when in reality there is nothing else on my mind. She consumes every second of every minute and I am quite happy to allow it. I am completely happy with knowing that for as long as I can sit and think, I can sit and think of her.

I need this. I need this desire. It reminds me that I am still real at times. It keeps me in the knowledge that I still exist, that I can still feel and that I haven't allowed myself to numb to the emotional warfare that takes place on the planet on a daily basis. I tried for so long to avoid it that to need it has become a huge shock to the system.

I have done some regrettable things. I have acted out against the feelings but I have recognised it as wrong and fixed it. I am so lost in everything that I want that I have forgotten not to hope. I have forgotten broken promises and empty desire. I have washed away the filth of what has happened in the past and I get excited at the prospect of tomorrow.

I have bad days. I have days where I want nothing more than to walk away, but painfully, she comes to me and I am once again reduced to knowing I couldn't ever just walk away. I am helpless to everything that she stands for and every day I try to live up to the expectation and perfection she deserves. I am nowhere near but I am not done trying.

I am back.

I have my thoughts back.

I have my words back.

I won't let the doubts of others become mine.