I never wanted to dance

Another old one that I decided I would put up...

I never wanted to dance

I don’t believe in fairytales

Things don’t go

Happily ever after

For me

I never wanted to whisked away

Carried off in strong arms;

Arms which will shelter me,

Protect,

Love,

Support,

Me throughout life.

I never wanted to cry -

[Joy]      filled     tears

Streaming

lines

down

my

face

Mapping stories of perfection.

 

When perfection comes

Life acts

What you want is taken

Abruptly

Cruelly

Predictably

Leaving you with empty hopes

Turning your wanted life

Into a cadaver of stinging disappointment.

 

I never wanted to dance

For to dance

I would have to believe in the

music

And to believe in the music I need to

Lose all inhibitions

All memories

All scars.

Raindrops slicing new wounds

Blades sliding

Ripping

Bleeding

Warning me

I can’t cry

For if I start I fear I will never stop

I will continue through sleep

I can’t

Believe.

I can’t pretend

That all things will come good

That this is just a glitch

A momentary misjudgement of my emotions.

 

I never wanted to dance

I am not that girl.

A million different faces

A million different faces

None of them are you

A million different stories

None of them as intriguing as yours

 

 

My heart stops at tiny similarities

Same hair colour

Same eyes

Same laugh

Same accent

[The one that drives me crazy]

 

A name from unknown lips

 

A million different faces

None of them are you

Slowly plunging into thoughts less thought

Opening doors quicker than I ever thought possible

Probing

Gentle fingers prying open dead emotions;

Beckoning forward a sleeping soul.

 

A million different faces

None of them are you

Similarities with no control

Powerless to my actions

Thrashing nothing but how I think.

My thoughts slipping easily to the one face

That beautiful face

That same face I constantly see

That same face which haunts me

Every

Second

                                Of

Every

Day.

Every Dream.

Every part of me.

 

A million different faces

None of them are you

[A blur of unfamiliarity]

A million different faces

And

All I see

Is you.

Brought Back From The Edge

Brought back from the edge – let it play on her mind a little more. Keep it steady and watch her body quiver in anticipation. Greed; a total abandonment of my manners as, I devour what is mine. Destroying all distance which threatens to linger arrogantly from her skin; remove the barriers with intricate yet confident movements.

Fingertips exploring every forgotten inch;

Skin on fire;

Pores opening... tingling.

Building a tension slowly, eyes locked in a complete connection; moving as one. Creating facial expressions with individual flexes of my fingers – individual messages of lust. Dancing tongues, grinding fingers and musical appreciation; a hazy interpretation of her pulse, her natural rhythm.

 

With every passing second

[whispers]

With every single kiss

[gentle moans]

With every glance downwards

[Screams]

Teeth pressing down against flesh; gaining power. Her lips on my neck; losing it just as quickly. An upward battle of want. Furniture losing its importance as anything other than unyielding support. Having myself pushed back against a wall – spreading my touches further. Hips smashing together smoothly; never enough is touching.

 Forcing myself to my knees; false submission. Nails gripping thigh, my hair being pulled feverishly.

Being thrown to the floor; total submission. Her teeth pulling my lip, bringing me to her world; bringing me to wherever it is she wants me...

Briefly.

Subtle movements regain the control, subtle sounds pushing us ever closer.

 

Her name pouring from my lips

[Breathlessly pleading]

Her breath catching in her gorgeous throat

[Willingly giving herself to me]

Eyes centred and lips bleeding

[Battle wounds]                       

Two beings moving as one, limbs writhing against lost voices.  Pushing, Pushing. Backs tighten, reaching ever deeper; needing to please. Pushing. Mouths open; a silent truce is made. Every energy is taken and owned.  Pushing. Octaves of ecstasy surrounding the entanglement. Pushing. Waves of pleasure destroying both participants fight until simple ‘I love you’s are exchanged wordlessly.

Eyes still focused. Catching breath lasts a lifetime, yet, not long enough. Fingers meet and are homed for an eternity, yet, not long enough.

Kissing her forehead; the battle ends quickly – all too quickly.  Words are gone, lips still bleed.

Brought back from the edge. Cages of protection inside the other’s arms. Breath rising, meeting – filling all gaps. Dreams diminish into a world less perfect, fears forgotten and thoughts evaporate in the heat. Egos are appeased and a simple look will suffice –

I love you.

Is it loss?

Random.. but I found an old poem of mine and thought I may as well put it up here. 

Anyway..

Time, both past and present, gone,
The scent on which she appears, a mere memory
Silver through spine
Myth and fiction become truth,
Your breath only visible in moonshine,
Her absence forgotten by the sun.

"Leave her at will,
See how she goes
Leave her before then,
Dont accept the blows"

Smiles of bruises, stature of pain,
heart mind and soul have been slain.

Stars fall down, your knee a false basket,
vast emptiness before glittering beauty,
Afraid to touch it's light,
Afraid to restart the fight.

Warm breast beneath your ear,
Soft bass to soothe the fear
Loss, a neverending game you play,
Loss, at every word you refuse to say.

"Leave her at will,
See how she goes
Leave her before then,
Dont accept the blows"

Smiles of bruises, stature of pain,
heart mind and soul have been slain.

Warmth versus ice, melting ever sooner,
Your silence believed to be ignorance,
Your thoughts need time,
Patience of choice.
Hands of the circle refuse to listen,
Your head exploding with new growing tumour.
Black bleeds, and on your cheek glistens

"Leave her at will,
See how she goes
Leave her before then,
Dont accept the blows"

Smiles of bruises, stature of pain,
heart mind and soul have been slain.

Do it today, or forever be denied,
Do it today, you must choose a side.

I should be afraid. I should feel fear - I don't. I am addicted to that adrenalin rush which bursts through me when I am in situations like that. Every inch of my skin starts to burn a little in the anticipation of getting hurt and it drives me crazy. It sounds like a sick sort of fetish but it really isn't; I am addicted to the danger. That few seconds where you think you may get hurt but you're not sure. Unpredictability in its most mouth watering form.

I wish I could pretend to be scared; I'd probably get in less trouble if I didn't enjoy it so much. I just don't believe she will actually pull the trigger on me. I'm not the kind of girl who gets shot. She hasn't the balls to kill me and yet, she hasn't the body to fuck me. She is pretty much a useless presence.

I am, however, ready for all of his drama to be over. It is beginning to bore me a little. "Will she? Won't she?", seriously, just fuck off. Getting hot from the adrenalin rush a gun can induce is exciting and all but it just isn't worth the lying and constant shit that goes with having to watch my back all day every day. I have more important things to do with my time.

Just

Walking slowly.

Controlled by the beat in my chest

a false rhythm

Just false.

As the dust swirls up

unsettled by my presence

Reflections of my thoughts

Stubborn memories;

refusing to let go

Walking slowly 

Controlled by the screaming in my head

Panicked noise

Just panicked

As my feet carry me further

I can't fight the urge

Ignorant doubting

"Things will change"

Forewarned by experience;

Naive expectations

Walking slowly

Controlled by the voice in my ear

Reassuring beauty

Just reassuring

Damaged pathways 

Emerging in every direction

Routes destroyed in violence

Fear. 

Anger. 

Desire.

Steps stolen from beneath me;

Given back with her whisper.

Walking slowly

Controlled by my past

Hauntingly outrageous

Just haunting.

Travelling into darkness

Wishing him away

resisting the urge to run

I am afraid to trust him

Broken promises prop forgotten dreams

It's not my road- anymore

Walking slowly

Controlled by my future

Terrifyingly unwritten

Just terrifying

Allowing myself to be led

Blindly following 

Hands gripped tight to lessons learned

Never again

Can't look into his eyes

Not anymore

Distracted by her;

Thankfully.

Walking slowly.

Controlled by desire.

Unforgivable teasing

Just unforgivable.

Every fear emerging – seeing red

adrenalin shooting through veins,

Her face invaded my anger

hands with a mind of their own.

Screams, tears and destroyed mentality

blows which could not be taken back.

Blue and red injuries blurring the view

Muscles tensing against the strain

Knuckles cracking against the flesh

Blue eyes pleading against the pain

Struggling against confines,

 

Drops of exhaustion catching in cotton.

Drops of exhaustion catching in cotton,

 

Struggling against confines

Blue eyes pleading against pain

Knuckles cracking against flesh

Muscles tensing against the strain

Blue and red injuries blurring the view

blows which could not be taken back.

Screams, tears and destroyed mentality,

hands with a mind of their own

Her face invaded my anger,

adrenalin shooting through veins

Every fear emerging – seeing red

Mere seconds

Mere seconds

are all it takes.

Mere breaths

are all I need.

 

lips dragging against skin

fingers grasping with hair

[Power struggles]

A mere look can kill

a solitary moment of knowing;

 

You have me where you want me.

 

Muscles flex

Backs arch

[A complete compromise]

 

Teeth bite down against the flesh prisoner

Yours;

In so many ways

Gentle strength pulsating

Passing from one to another

Seeking attention

 

Wanting to show themselves off

To take breath

Captivate it with ease.

 

Mere seconds

In which desire takes control

Mere breaths

With which willpower is destroyed

 

Single droplets of sin

Breaking through perfection

Single minutes of silence

Catching our breath

Limbs tangled

Words obsolete

Needs satisfied

Wounds healed

 

Total connection

 

Eyes meet in darkness

Fingers searching -

Physical absence

 

Mere seconds

To give you me

Mere breaths

To tell you how I feel.

Home...

If only she knew how much I fear her disapproval there would be no doubts. 

No way in hell she could ever think I would do anything to disrupt the multitude of longing and happiness I feel at the sound of her voice. I am selfish; all I want is her. Yeah, I have a past, and yeah maybe my past behaviour warrants the doubt but I will be fucked if I ever put what I have at risk for something so useless and worthwhile; for someone that has caused me nothing but misery and pain. 

Everytime I move I am reminded of everything that girl done to me; all of the drama she caused in my life. I want nothing to do with her, I seriously don't think I could even look at her and control the surge of temper that would course through my body. 

My head is a fucking mess right now and there is nothing I can do about it other than just wait and see what happens. Anticipation of disaster is worse than the actual event. I hate not knowing if I am going to be able to walk, if this time next week I will have a 'home' or if I will spend the next week of my life hiding from the shit that the past 4 months have thrown at me. I have no fight left in me and yet I know that I will be in at least one at some point this week. I will have something thrown at me that I won't like and I will be forced to either shut the fuck up and take it or I will have to lose all of my control and needs and just roll out the punches.

Meh, anyway I am just whining. 

Shouldn't have clicked it.

 Just have to wait and see what happens next I guess. Life story lol.