I almost forgot. For the briefest of seconds everything was okay. For that mouthwatering moment my life hadn't fallen apart and happiness didn't seem so far away. I stopped hating who I am and let myself get lost. I stopped worrying about who I'm becoming and let go of the anger.

I almost forgot. For a split second I no longer saw you with her. The earth stopped spinning, the noise drowned out and the shadows shrunk back. I wasn't haunted by despair for a fleeting moment and the relief washed over me.

Reminders come in a steady flow.  Constant. Jeering. Smug. Every syllable draws me further and further into a world where I am no longer in control and I'm not even sure if I care enough to try to reverse it. I'm fading at a rapid rate. Parts of me dripping slowly until all that will be left is a scar on the sunrise that defied my wishes.

14 / 01 / 15

All she did was look at me. Her eyes shimmered with white gold and an endless sky; stars flickered behind her pupil and I burst open. Every thought came spilling out of an ill practised mouth and my heart was beating to her rhythm.

All she did was look at me. The demons which I spent every night battling silenced in awe of her beauty and all there was left was her. Green burst like fireworks when she laughed and my heart jumped to my throat; always wanting more.

All she ever had to do was look at me and my body would erupt in anticipation. Butterflies, chills and a need to be as close as possible to her would dominate my being until I was powerless to resist.

All she could do was look at me. My world crumbled and the tears flooded between her eyelids threatening to destroy all that I knew to be true. My chest constricted as every emotion lay bare before her without defence. Unable to speak and left with my entire soul left gaping.

All she did was look at me and I was hers.

So this is goodbye.

The feelings which pour from me so effortlessly when you are around can be locked away into hiding once and for all. You, kid, will forever be a huge part of my life but it's now going to be two adventures instead of one. You taught me how to trust - how to put someone else before myself in every way. You fixed parts of me which I thought were beyond repair and made me feel almost whole again. For the briefest of times I felt like I was no longer alone.

I love you. Wholeheartedly and unconditionally. I always will to some degree. Youre the single most beautiful girl I have ever laid eyes on and l will never regret the incredible time we had together. Part of me will remain yours until the day I die and there is no one I would rather give it to.

I miss you. I miss how your skin smells as you fall asleep in my arms and how your neck tastes in the morning. I miss the beat of your heart in your throat and how you could ease my mind without even knowing what I was thinking. I miss how no matter where we were, my fingers could find comfort between yours and showing you off as my world.

You were my everything. You were the air that I breathe, my sun, moon and stars. You made the world a less scary place. More than that, you made my mind a less scary place. No amount of words will ever be able to truly express how grateful I am for that.

So, this is goodbye. Goodbye to what we were and what we could have been. Goodbye to stolen kisses and knowing looks. To tangled limbs and disappearing hours wrapped up in our own bliss. This is the saddest goodbye to a future under the stars.

This is also hello to you being my best friend. I will forever be here to help you back on your feet should you take a fall. I will forever have enough faith in you for the both of us. I will see your true beauty when you aren't able and love the parts you dislike the most. Whenever you need someone l will be right here waiting.

We have a challenge on our hands, beautiful. We both need to find our way home.

So this is goodbye.

Facing Demons.

-->

Perfection. One of those unachievable attributes he continuously sought after. Never, however, did he think he could find the peace of perfection here. The blindingly, bleak walls taunted his mistakes, yet the silent jeering was exactly what he wanted, needed. The strong stench of regret filled his nostrils, reminding him, that, he was still participating in whatever world he had existed in before this catastrophe struck. How had he allowed himself to reach this point again? Hadn't he been the one to swear he would never see this re-enactment? He succumbed to yet another wave of depression. Its force racked his body, his eyes filling with salty sadness, spilling over and streaking down his seemingly strong face. The weight of each tear drop weathering the bone, it's presence emasculating itself with every glide of moisture.

He lived a fairly normal lifestyle, his hardships were average and he knew he was lucky for many of the opportunities he had been given. His days passed as normal, yet whenever he was given even a few moments alone, his mind would torture him with daily nightmares. One he had seen many times before and tried so hard not to see again. Flashbacks of that day.

Her eyes filled with fear, her voice sounded so high pitched and terrified. He gripped her thin arm with his gruff hands, tossing her from his path. He could hear his own hysterical voice, raise. It's force tearing through her tired body, destroying her slowly. She deserved it. He had lost all control over his actions and he didn't care. How could she have caused him so much pain? He could feel his blood boil, its volatile strength ripping him apart. Every blow that fell upon her body was a plea for her to stop him, to calm him down. He needed for her to surround him, pull him close and cool him down, instead of causing him to be this enraged animal. He needed help and he knew it, she didn't deserve this.

He shook himself from the thoughts yet again. His stomach knotted as he reassured himself that he wouldn't be that person again. He was better than that. The person he was, is dead, it's corpse buried and soul living only in memories.

The day he had dreaded for so long was upon him. His avoidance was futile and he had been defeated by his own Jekyll and Hyde personality. He could hold nothing, say nothing and think nothing. His anger had struck him down once again, winding him. The strength of his own emotions pushing him to his knees against his will, his muscles tensed and a familiar, red, hot, hatred shot through his veins and washed over him. His limbs thrashed around violently, his victim being left bruised and mentally tortured. Raw, scarlet rage. He held himself rigidly, his chest pushing outwards. The pain in his back was so intense that he was stopped in his tracks momentarily. It was a self inflicted injury, one that would heal, but scar him still. Every grip he thought he possessed on his own actions was slipping firmly from his fingertips with every passing second, every swear word and every gnawing of his teeth. As he pushed against this virtual stranger, their personality strangled him further. He launched his closed fists so forcefully, it would be fair to assume he was enjoying it, instead of it being every aspect of life, which he feared, combined.

As he sat once again in his perpetual cell, nothing but his thoughts and regrets to pass the time, he felt compelled to scrutinise his every action. He felt physically sick at the thoughts of his behaviour. He had fought so hard to suppress that side of him, so much so, that it was exhausting just to think of it. He was defeated. Every tear that escaped him was so personal and so heartfelt that it pained him. Physical shocks of pain shot through his chest at the thought of the disappointment in his mother's eyes. He feared her disappointment more than anything else. He deserved all punishments, he knew this, but that, was unbearable. For every second he looked into her eyes, it was another second he lived in the realisation that he had broken his promise. He had thrown the effort back at her and allowed himself to be overpowered by that unwelcome darkness.

Every faith he held within himself was gone. He had lost all control and had reached the inevitable low point. He had hurt yet another person in anger, and had lost himself. The same self he had worked so hard for. The person he despised right now was himself. The same self he had sworn was gone. Gripping the back of his neck, he pulled his head to his bloodied chest and sobbed. He mourned the loss of who he wanted to be. He mourned for the days when there was so much hope and pride held in him. Those days when smiles weren't unfamiliar, and happiness wasn't a foreign quest.

Someone, Somewhere was reaching their supposed perfection. They were opening their eyes to something they had strived for and were satisfied in their situation. Their smile beamed sincerely and they were able to hold their heads high. He, on the other hand, had hit his low point. Again. He drowned in shame, and choked on the disappointment. His emotion was apparent with the curve of his spine and hanging of his head.

Never again. He promised himself, never again.

Gushes of Exhaustion

It is with an [eager] caution

that I lower myself into distraction

A tight lipped surge into home grown parodies

foreign treasures glinting in drenching moonlight

Silence so complex - unbreaking except for the barely audible lust

tiny whispers soothe fragile and lonely hearts

while salty rain quenches an accommodating thirst.

Drowned in exile, bathed in need.

Single tulips dance in a breeze not unnoticed;

its gushing compliments encouraging further ado.

It is with an [enchanted] bewilderment

that I allow myself to take flight into the wind

Scorching clouds my fingertips and

bellowing salutations to the elated leaves.

Tired feathers sprout excitedly from air dried skin

the scents of desired prey tickling their sensors.

Swooping nose dives; unnecessary danger.

Bringing the world to a halt in order to pluck a crystal dream

from the oil slickened sky.

Caves and shocks speckle the moon's surface

as it drowns in sunlight and clinking milk bottles

Magical yet familiar - a refreshing contradiction

and once again I soar emphatically blind

towards the visible orb

teasing layers of dust with experienced hands.

I fall hopelessly yet willingly into a restless sleep

A never ending quest for wants, satisfied

As the sun rises I descend ever deeper

into a night-sky that enthrals me with seductive kisses

and sparkling winks.

Call of A Sinner So Young

Ample flesh

t w i s t s

in a feast

for brilliantly blue eyes

Flames

s p i t

upwards

[Spawning]

winged children

and

r e l e a s i n g

them onto sooty

yet

purified concrete.

Impossible to catch

[almost]

fluttering gazes into a

b l a z i n g

heat.

Searching words unsaid

for something...

beautiful

to die for

something...

extraordinary

to breathe for

something...

absent

to exist for.

Treasure troves glint

in the eye of the flame;

Gold

s i m m e r i n g

in a well oiled greed.

Worn floors bleed experience

staining the soles

of innocent feet

with a discovery

so potent

yet so...

[Delicate]

Tear drops heralding

o b v i o u s

Heartbreak to a choir

of embers and coal.

Funeral March

Dainty red ribbon snakes around a brittle wrist

Light bouncing from the shining silk

Embedded scarlet drips from limp fingertips

as blue lips whisper sweet violence to deaf ears.

Transparent skin shivers against the touch of capes

Ideas running for cover from an unleashed villain;

exploring hidden caves of the imagination.

The leaves of lilies blow slowly in a growing breeze

A faint tap of soil hitting wood breaks a sobbing air .

Headless suits stand around a deepening hole in the ground

Blades of grass stabbing the soles of leather shoes.

Billowing cotton sheets dancing atop stone memories

Feathered wings grounded with the weight of a broken soul.

Drums bang as chains drag through puddles of insanity

A hoarse song erupts from the throat of the fellator;

Notes drained from his sorrowing eyes in a final lament.

Greased instruments squawk empty goodbyes at a lowering box

A hanging saviour stares down from a crucifix, wrists bound and bleeding;

Halos appearing above unassuming skulls.

A dainty red ribbon snakes around a brittle wrist

Greying skies close in and fingers twitch with new surges of blood.