I can honestly say I have tried. I have given everything I can to fixing this shit and I am giving no more. When you are going to call me just to tell me everything I have ever done to wrong you, I am going to hang up. Don't act so surprised. My list is a lot longer. I swear it is getting to the point where I wish I had never met you, or ever talked to you. I don't want to regret you. I love you, I always have, but this shit is just taking the piss.

My life right now is a fucking mess of silly drama and ridiculous situations that I can't get out of. You are not making it any easier by reminding me of my shortcomings. I get that you are hurting right now, but I didn't do that. I am not the cause of your misery, and I would appreciate it if you didn't become the source of mine.

I don't know what my next step is. I no longer want to be where I am, and you are making it increasingly more difficult. I'm glad that you have so much compassion for my situation though, thanks for that. I really appreciate everything you're doing right now. I'll get on to that list right away. Dick.

Argh!

Breathing slower than ever, I try to concentrate on anything at all that doesn't involve you and I can't. I'm beginning to think it's impossible. I would say it is a daily occurrence, but that would make me a liar. It is every second of every minute of every, single day.

Nervous fingers tracing along steaming, hot skin; fingertips barely touching and grazing. inducing moans of need. Silent O's swim out from between bleeding lips, and legs draw closer together. Teeth scratch at collarbones.. a swirling tongue dancing along your neck..

I can't lie to you. I resent every feeling that you make me feel. I hate every skeleton you drag out of me and abolish. It makes me want to scream when I know I can no longer be self sufficient when all I can do is want to feel your body pressed against mine, or listen to your voice.

Intrepid palms slide up along your torso, pulling your top slowly upwards. Your skin revealing itself to my my eyes and mouth in agonising seconds of anticipation. Delicate kisses land on waiting skin, and your back arcs to meet my mouth.

I try to tell myself I should have walked away when I wasn't so caught up; when I wasn't addicted. In reality though, I never could have. I've never not been addicted. The first time we talked, actually talked, I couldn't get enough. I'm fooling myself to ever believe that I didn't want this. I just never believed it would be this powerfully magnetic. So... crucial. It's frustrating beyond belief.

Your breath caresses my neck and throws my mind into a whirlwind of desire. My hands running along your back, pulling your body closer to mine, our skin melting together and our hips grind.

You ask me what I'm thinking. I don't answer because I don't want to seem so hopelessly needy. All I am ever thinking about is you. Even when I am distracted by other things, you're hanging out casually in the background waiting to make your move; always trying to torment me.

Nails drag down along my spine as experienced hands draw out screams, my name hanging from your lips. Eyes meet and bring my lips to yours, your breath catching in my throat as fingers interlock and rise above our heads.

Breathless, I once again have to drag myself back to reality and try to catch what's going on. Once again, I have to suppress every fire and conflict in my head and body and pretend that I am existing on the same level as everyone else. Breathless, I once again try to ignore the pain between my thighs and continue with whatever non sexual and boring task I had been trying to do before you popped into my head.

Untitled

The drops fell in sheets of scarlet red

growing puddles of anger landing on perfectly pale skin.

leaves of a delicate green danced above the ground

to the deafening music with a pitter, patter bass

Tears shed for the lost souls of neglect

silhouettes expanded on a cotton white bedsheet

tidal waves burned salt into the wounds on their wrists

yearning scars blinding with a past so brightly obvious.

Hazel eyes drenching the pores in devotion;

with questions requesting everything there is to offer.

Sighs catch on an ever lingering note

trapped between two heaving chests.

Screams echo against the acid washed walls

Cold cement regurgitating old stories and wishes.

grainy holes develop tiny eyes in order to watch

as flowing water strips bare a skin so sweet yet torturing.

red rain falls and drenches soil clumps

a golden stalk emerging out from the foundations

salt water runs into the sewers

catching on the sleeves of expectant faces.

Have No Envy and No Fear.

I'm not sure I can even remember what was said that night, but I left with a steady stream of tears flowing from my eyes. I left with a heartbreak that was so intense that I felt like my insides would burst into flames and engulf me in its hatred. He looked so weak; like something had sucked every strength that once clung to his muscles, and spat them out to fight him. He wasn't the man I had grown to adore. He was no longer the reason I got up in the morning.

It was raining. I remember the hazy drizzle that scorched my face. I didn't care about the rain so much, it gave me a cover to walk in so that I could be alone. My shoulders shook with a mixture of nervousness, cold and sobbing; thoughts weren't coming at me fast enough. I wanted to forget. I wanted to go away and never come back. I just wanted to run.

The flame from the single candle was slowly turning the silver-plated spoon a golden brown. He sat hunched on the floor beside it, hypnotised by the concoction that he held in his hand. the cylindrical tube sat by his knee; abandoned until he needed it. Tinfoil lay in strips of abused confetti in a perfect circle. The wilting hope I once held being a centre piece in this fucked up squat decoration.

I walked. Nothing else, just a steady movement of my feet. One. Two. Three.. Walls lost all semblance of recognition in my mind. The houses began to grow in size and I walked. Houses shrinking back to affordability; the pain in my feet starting to drag me back into reality. I was realising that regardless of how far I walked, I would never willingly walk away. Not entirely. I had stopped crying, it was just icy rain that flowed down my face now, just the shower of nature's forgiveness washing the emotion from me.

I looked around me, taking in my surroundings for the first time. I had walked to the one place I knew I would be safe, without even trying. My subconscious had protected me once again. I knocked. Jane opened the door slowly and silently. Nothing needed to be said, I am pretty sure she knew exactly why I was there. She always knew. I stood dripping water onto her floors, refusing to walk any further into her house, I merely stood there staring. I must have tried to speak a few times, but I know I didn't say anything. I didn't know how to. I sat down, my back leaning against the door and she slowly started to undress me. She peeled every layer I had from my cold and soaked skin until I sat in my underwear, in a puddle of my own drenched clothing.

My fingers were slowly turning blue. I looked at them like they were no longer a part of my body; like they were a foreign object. I inspected my hands until she clasped them in hers. I wish there was something fantastically dramatic about what happened, but to be honest, she just sat with me as I cried. She held my hand and wanted nothing more than just to sit there with me until I began to shiver and sob uncontrollably.

I have to mention, No one had seen me cry, much less see me lose every sense of control I had. No one would ever see me that bad again, and as heartbreaking as it is, Jane has gone to her grave with this moment perfectly secure as our secret. I can't remember how long we sat there for, but I eventually fell asleep. She didn't move. She stayed there the whole time I slept just holding my hand.

I woke up to her house-mate trying to get into the house. Jane pulled me up from the floor and led me upstairs. She was shouting something at the door. I can't remember what she said, but Al didn't come in until I was safely out of view. I must have seemed so pathetic; being led around the house in the nip in a total dazed confusion.

Jane shoved me into the shower. I think she was expecting me to do something when the water hit me but I didn't. I just stood there, still staring at her; looking for her to answer some unknown question. Then, she done something I definitely wasn't expecting. She stripped off and got into the shower with me. Honest to God, it was the first reaction she got from me that night. Her delicate fingers ran through my hair. I laughed a little when she had to stand up on her toes to wash the shampoo through it. The water was still pouring down over the two of us when she kissed me. We must have been in there for over an hour. Just kissing. It wasn't in any way sexual, We were just going through the exact same thing and needed to feel some sort of connection to something, anything, as long as it was physical.

I don't remember it happening, but we were in her bed. We weren't doing anything, except laying there. I remember looking at her skin and wanting to touch it, but I didn't, not intentionally anyway. Her room is exactly what you wouldn't expect it to look like when you look at her. The flowers she keeps fresh on her desk - kept on her desk - always seemed to be placed so carefully into the hand painted vase. The photos that decorated every wall, were a tribute to a life that we used to live in. The smiles mocked me. His face was all that I could focus on. His strong body and perfect eyes inflicted memories on to me that were nothing but painful. I cried silently, once again, while she lay watching me. No more hands. No more kisses. She cried too. Looking back it seems really quite weird, but in the moment, on that bed, nothing existed beyond the realms of our mourning. We both knew at that exact second, that Jack was lost forever. He would still be there, but not in the way we knew him; not in the way we needed him.

I don't remember sleeping, but I don't remember staying awake. I do remember, however, realising it was morning and feeling as though I should be doing something other than laying naked beside my friend for the day. She must have the exact same thought because she moved to roll over. I grabbed her elbow and pulled her to me. I kissed her softly and held her to me. Her fingers ran along my jawline and then it was over. I don't quite know what made me do it, but I didn't think words would be enough. How do you thank someone for saving your life just by existing?

We got dressed and spoke for the first time. Nothing important was said, but we laughed. It was refreshing to just leave everything in the night before and carry on like normal. She cooked me breakfast, well.. She tried to cook me breakfast but, I ended up doing most of it myself. She can't cook worth a fuck. The sunlight was miserable and grey, if that makes sense? The sun was shining, but it wasn't warm, and it shone in through the giant doors in the kitchen. Lighting up what seemed to be such a normal situation for a couple. We weren't a couple. We'd never be a couple. Even if she wanted that, there was too much to fight against it. I could never be trusted. She could never love me as much as she loved him. I could never love her as much as I loved him. It just failed before it even started.

The thing that started this thought pattern, is that while we cooked, she held on to the belt loops of my jeans and stroked my forehead when I looked at her. As intimate as the morning was, it all seemed to be the intro to some heartbreak or other. Some before picture to a lost love story. The phone rang. Fuck.

We got to he hospital just in time to see him arrive. His eyes were open but he looked straight past us like he had no idea who the hell we were. There were bandages covering his entire arm.. blood seeping through the loose threading. He was a mess. That's the only word for how he looked. It was one of those "what the fuck" sort of moments where nothing you are looking at makes any sense. His giant bulging body looked so.. weak. His face looked so frightened and boyish.

I sat down. What else could I do? Jane paced up and down the waiting room. I couldn't look at her. It all just seemed to be inevitable. She stopped pacing and it was my turn to comfort her. She sat in my lap and cried. I simply sat there and let her get it out until she fell asleep. I didn't move for what seemed like hours. When the nurse came out to tell us what was going on, I remember thinking that her scrubs were too short for her. Always talent scouting. He's asking for you, Kerri. I was confused. I was the one that walked out on him and yet he wanted me.

The room he was in was tiny. The machines seemed so loud and overbearing that I almost turned around to walk out. The lines going in and out of his arms were off putting but seemed almost comforting. almost like they would wash out the problem. The weirdest thoughts go through your head when facing these situations. The beeps seemed to get louder, I wanted to call him R2D2 or something to that affect just to make him smile, but I rethought that. It just seemed to be a little too ridiculous and I was trying to remain as strong as possible.

His eyes were closed so I didn't say anything. I sat in the brick they called a chair beside his bed and just watched his chest rise and fall. Such a manly chest reduced to almost nothing. My hand was on the bed, and my feet were on the locker beside his bed. I was thinking about myself and Jane when his eyes opened, and his hand found mine. I quickly forgot about my morning and right then I knew; regardless of whatever he had ever said, I was the only person he had and I had to remember that. Nothing else mattered more than his life. Not to me, not then.

I was determined to be the one that saved him, regardless of what it took.

"A night in the life of.." Reminiscing on a past life.

The bass shook through my chest; I coughed but it was only the music that reverberated. After everything with Jack I knew I should be trying to talk to Jane but for now I was putting it to the back of my mind. The vodka burned in the back of my throat just as the track changed; another cheesy piece of shit that would be forgotten in a fortnight. Diego's arms caught around my waist as he tried to whisper some slurred message into my ear, but to be honest I really wasn't interested. I think he knew it too. The details all seem so foggy, so unclear considering I told myself to remember them repeatedly.

The shit neon lights cast shadows in every pasty face in the place, no one stood out but I had come to forget so I was determined to find someone. Looking back on that night now, it seems almost dream-like. I moved down the narrow staircase with my cigarette already in my hand. Faceless hands grasped out from dark corners grabbing my arms and neck. Drag queens laughed with flamboyant queers, shooting dagger sharp looks towards me. I laughed as I walked. Some butch girl grabbed my ass and looked offended when her friend licked my ear. I should have slapped them both, but to be honest I just wanted to get outside. The sweat-thick air was suffocating and I needed to talk. Nothing in particular was on my mind but the silence in my mouth was killing me.

I sparked up and stood by the nearest wall; the cold brick was reassuring. Checking my phone for the hundredth time that night, I tried my hardest to remain subtle as I checked out every fucker in the area. The usual clique gay types surrounded the tables, but it was the quiet girl in the corner that caught my attention. She looked lost in thought, and, whether it was curiosity or concern, I wanted to know what was on her mind. Still, I was never going to just walk up to her. Even then I was still quite shy. I stole glances at her every now and then, just to make sure she was still there.

Diego strolled out with some blonde girl. She had tried to kiss me in the bathrooms about ten minutes before and was constantly trying to make conversation with me. Every time she opened her mouth she would find an excuse to touch me. Her voice was fucking irritating; high pitched and heavily laced with Daddy's money. Why the fuck do I keep hanging out with people like this? I let her words shoot past me as I watched quiet girl stand to go back into the club. Did she just laugh at me? She wandered idly past and grinned at me with a knowing look. I had to have imagined that.

I was so confused. What had actually just happened? I waited for Diego and whatsherface to finish their smokes before making a beeline to the door. Fuck being shy, I was going to find out what just went on.

The club was even more packed when we went back in, if that was even possible. The music had picked up speed and as if by rule, the faster the beat the less clothing was worn. Glistening skin surrounded me, and for once I had absolutely no interest in any of it. If I was going to get to the bottom of what quiet girl was laughing at, I was going to need a lot more alcohol in my system. Diego must have read my mind. One of the benefits of having a friend that is 6'5 is that it is almost impossible to ignore him at the bar. It was on. 10 shots and a minute to drink them. My gag reflex should have kicked in after the third but I drowned that fucker in so much Tequila that I swear it went into hiding. Cheers erupted from the skinny after work crowd behind us. The only girl from the group smiled at me - It was a shame she had such bad teeth, really.

Right. I had to find quiet girl and get some information. Diego had other ideas though; he grabbed hold of my elbow and dragged me to the dance floor. Blonde whatsherface tried her hardest to keep up too; her little legs were a blur. I couldn't help from laughing at the look on her face as she tried her hardest to get in between us. Diego held on to my hips and we started grinding to whatever shite was playing. Anyone looking on would have pegged us as anything more than just two very good friends. I think the fact that both of us were looking over the other's shoulder, (or at least under his arm) at whatever talent we had our eye on, was giving our game away though.

Blonde whatsherface started to pout after two songs of not being included. Usually, at this point, one of us had to take one for the team. I think Diego had cottoned on to the fact that she wasn't a fan of the cock though, so he went to dance with some Polish chick that he had been eyeing up. I was left to deal with the brat. She's kind of cute, I suppose.. Fuck it. I gave the girl a pity dance. I can be quite the actress apparently, she believed every bump was my confessions of lust. Not a fucking chance. I was way too sober for this shit.

The music slowed back down again. I motioned to the bar and she followed.. unfortunately. Diego was 'entertaining' the Polish chick in the seating area so I'd have to get my own drinks this time. A small tug on my shirt and a smile at the cute barmaid and I was making my order.

"What can I get you, Kerri?"

What the fuck.. she knows my name?!

I must have looked like a total retard getting those drinks. There was no way I could physically hide that much confusion from my face. She smiled at me as she handed me my drinks (and one for the brat) and just as I went to walk away, she grabbed my hand. Digits.

Without even trying, heh.

I had barely clocked the number on my hand before the blonde brat was climbing on some poor closet gay boy trying to get over the bar to hit her. (In these situations it's best to wait before you laugh.) I almost died laughing. Honestly, I tried to pull her off, but I could barely breathe for laughing so hard. The barmaid (who I would later get to know as Tess) was laughing too though, so I didn't feel too guilty.

Tess had it all under control , she had the powerhouse barman come lift her back out to the crowd without much effort, and winked at me. I want to say she made the "call me" gesture with her hand too, but that could just be my imagination. I felt sort of bad so I followed the brat into the bathroom. The anti heroin lights make me feel kind of sick so I try to avoid the bathrooms as much as possible. If I was making this story up from scratch I'd say that it was just the two of us in there and we had a quiet chat. I'm not. The bathroom was full of screaming fag hags and clucking bulldykes. Brat was standing in line for a cubicle sobbing. It was one of the more surreal things I've seen.

I slid past two women that were dry humping each other on the sinks and smiled nicely at bratgirl. She scowled at me and lifted her hand to slap me. Not on my watch, sweetheart. I grabbed her wrist, threatening her in a non threatening manner - however it is that you do that. Every lesbian in that room turned and looked at me like I had just shot their mother in the face. Why couldn't I have been straight? Then, she said it. The phrase that gets thrown at me from all directions and I hate hearing -

"You have no idea how long I have wanted this."

I lost my temper a little.

"Wanted fucking what?! I only met you an hour ago, for fuck sake!"

"You don't honestly believe someone like you can walk into this place and not get recognised, do you?"

"Well, actually, yeah, I fucking do. Are you on drugs or some shit?"

"I guarantee at least 80% of the women in this room know who you are and I can bet at least 50% of them want to fuck you because of it."

Apparently the bratgirl was a fucking mathematician. I looked around at the 25 or so other women in the room as they idly tried to pretend like they hadn't overheard our screaming conversation. I must have looked lost. One of the dry humpers stopped to turn and look at me. She bit her lip and grinned at her partner.

Oh.My.God.

Everything from the past two hours was starting to make sense. I had actually gained a reputation. I had joined the allegiances of every asshole I had spent the last 5 months of my life trying to avoid. Every time I walked into that club I made an effort to ignore every over inflated ego in the place. Thrill of the chase. I was one of them?!

This.. is.. fucked. In the most awesome form of the expression. I had actually been that naive to think that all of the attention that was thrown at me was merely the norm. I had no idea that every time someone smiled at me it was some sort of ice breaker to get me in bed. Jesus, I had even made a comment to Jack about how friendly the people in here were. I took his laughter for a reaction to me stating the obvious when, really, it was me being completely fucking oblivious.

I was snapped back to reality by bratgirl clinging to me. She was trying to push me backwards into a cubicle to the total shock and amusement to everyone else in the room. The plastic walls were disgusting; this girl had another thing coming if she thought I was going to fuck her in here - anywhere, for that matter. I couldn't formulate a plan quick enough. She had the door locked behind us before I even had time to catch my breath.

"Kerri...?"

Oh thank fuck. I pushed out past her to a waiting Diego. Some butch girl looked completely offended by his presence.

"Oh, shut the fuck up.. you're more of a man than I'll ever be!"

I was still laughing when he grabbed my arm and dragged me straight through the club to leave. I caught Tess pointing and giggling just as the door closed behind me and the cold rain hit me like a ton of fucking bricks.

"Listen, we need to get the fuck out of here."

Diego looked a little shocked and frightened. I was only noticing just how bad it was when a giant Polish man emerged from the door. He must have been 7 feet tall, and wore all black. His arms bulged out from his suit jacket. He was fucking huge.

"Let me guess...."

"Exactly! Now can we fucking run, please?"

I kissed Diego's cheek before making a dash down the surprisingly busy 2am street. He held my hand and pulled me along behind him before the boyfriend of the girl, he had just been fucking in the toilet, caught us. Again, it's best not to laugh in these situations, but the adrenalin, not to mention alcohol, was rushing through me and I felt invincible.

"I didn't interrupt anything did I..?"

We were breathlessly crouching behind a cop car; the foggy clouds swirling in front of our faces, rapidly. I was going to ask Diego if he knew anything about this whole reputation thing but I thought twice and kept it for another time. I was going to tell him he had done me a favour by coming in when he did too, but the words just weren't there.

"Give me your jacket and I'll forgive you.."

Everything else could wait.