Random Insomniac Moment

I do not fear death; it doesn't scare me as much as maybe it should. I fear nothing but fear itself. If I a allow myself to be afraid then I am giving into every part of the person I don't want to be. Yet, the irony is that, in fearing fear and trying to avoid it, I am allowing it to win. I am overtaken by the throes of anxiety in single moments. I break out in a cold sweat, my breath becomes ragged and I am a mess of emotion. It is not the prospect of my death which brings it on, but the moments before it; hurtling toward the ground with nothing to do to help myself except scrutinise mistakes and recount moments of how I could have changed it.

Lack of control is alien to me. It was alien to me at least. I despise the feeling of not knowing what will happen next. I hate not having the steering wheel, I loathe flying and I am uncomfortable with other people's decisions because there is nothing I can do to avoid the fear should something go wrong. Being at the mercy of someone else leaves me vulnerable and feeling naked against the elements. I should trust more, right? I should but to place my whole existence, and with it sanity, into the hands of one other person is like allowing someone to manually pump my heart. One idle error could end things in an instant.

Night time hits; insomnia. The anxiety I feel showers down upon my body and the paranoia at everything sets in. Not a single part of my life is safe from the sleuths of wrong doing as they take the reigns. Every thought that filters through my sleep depraved mind is given volume and I am unable to ignore it. It screams at me. It asks me the questions I try to hide from and it throws details at me. impossible to silence the stabbing pain as they thump by body violently.

I am happy. Sincerely, I have never been so content. Day comes and I am perfectly satisfied. However, the nightmares of self reliance and control keep me awake and steal the control from my grip once nightfall surrounds us. I am trusting fate in so many ways that I am slowly learning to like it. I just have too many unanswered questions. I have too many plans and uncertain outcomes. I am no longer selfishly pursuing what I want and so I have other people to take into consideration when I envisage something. My presence hangs in the balance as I attempt to reassure myself and put the beasts of burden back into their holes.

I need to sleep.