It is alien to me to fear. I don't get scared of anything other than what happens in my head. I think that is half of the problem; I think too much about the whole situation. I can handle myself, yeah, but I just can't bring myself to win this one. How can I allow myself to bring down the one person that has given me so much. I realise he has fucked up a lot and I will never forgive that. The nightmares won't allow it. The torture of being unable to trust even myself will never allow it.

I can't talk about what happened because I hate that I let it happen. I am not this girl. I can handle whatever you throw at me, yet lately I feel as though I am fighting a losing battle. Old habits seem more and more appealing with every day and the only thing that stops me is the knowledge that I will have to explain them. There is no hiding it this time.

Truth be told, every time I touch myself, I feel him on me. Every time I fall asleep I feel his breath on my neck and skin; sour stench of stale beer and a sweet scent of familiarity. It fucked me up. Alcohol is the only way I can numb any sort of pressure that builds when I think of him. I hate him in ways that no one will ever be able to comprehend, yet I miss having him in my life. I feel so alone. I realise I have people around me, but no one with the history we have. No one that can bring her back to life for me, even if it is only through memories.

This attack he has undertaken on me, will be what kills me. I can't run from him, yet I can't go to him. I can't just be.

Yes I should want him to be hurt.

Yes I should want to be the one that hurts him.

I just.. can't.

The negativity that surrounds me right now is down to him, solely. I should be relatively happy but this is suffocating me. Every single time I can't bring myself to think of anything but his hands.. I lose my breath and I get lost in everything that should never have been.

Trying to avoid this is the only way out. That, and alcohol.

I just need for him to leave me alone. Just for a while even.

Fuck it.

A Floor Not Walked.

Groaning walls

[protect]

whispered secrets

shared in eager caresses

about nothing

and

everything.

Dusty shelves

[collect]

well manicured fingerprints

as she leaves t r a i l s

of trembling excitement

along my body

and

mind.

Tranquil decorations

[witness]

the hushed justifications

of passion

pouring profusely

from well meant uttering

and

choked yearning.

Burning single pages

from a story

not yet told

and

destroying evidence

of a silent

aphrodisiac

reflecting a fluent

perfection

that can only be believed

when f l o w i n g

from

supple lips

and

techniqued tongues.

Glowing lights

[neglect]

a concealed darkness

that crawls beneath the sheets,

along her skin

while trying to become

her distraction

and

her everything.

All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye

Headlights catching

in the fogs of forgotten yesterdays

with a [memory]

susceptible to the longings for truth

Pleas for help

get lost in the translation of missed dates

Bitter-sweet endings drag the slurping rejection

forward

[enveloping] every image of warmth

I m i s s y o u

Slicing daggers destroy

the foundations I am built upon

blades dicing

through the aspirations of our (my) naivety

screams e c h o

from beyond the snow laden grounds

a distinct sound of a gruesome and violent loss

and the blood [drips] still

I m i s s y o u

Songs are sung

in a choir of destruction and tyranny

Crescendos of impacted lives

[and snubbed cliques]

Pillows soak the remnants of everything that was

misplaced words produce salted and unwanted thoughts

[Conquering] every hope that lives on

I m i s s y o u

A hero demoted in an instant of sheer humiliation

his cape hung

on the hooks of fear and regret

Eyes burning

through the mist of tears and saliva

A degradation so intense,the burns refuse to heal

[Replacing] the smile I love(d)

I m i s s y o u

A soul left battered

for forensics and the undertakers

A life

no longer mine

[but no longer yours]

Death by misuse

[and sheer abandonment[

Track marks left in my skin for once

Gyrating war-cries rip the tense air

A seething face left

to haunt my every wish,

my every need,

my every.. you.

A soldier killed for going MIA

and awarded a

medal of hatred

Total disregard

for suffering

and

captured flaws

A punishment

deserved

yet totally uncalled for

Poisoning today

with infringements of trust

stitches holding together the seams of who I am

and yet..

Still..

I m i s s y o u

Growth

Dusty toes kicking up dreams

of days gone past

when dreams were caught

so easily;

unashamedly

in jam jars sealed with

waxy innocence.

When the grass rots

fleetingly

and hedgerows surpass your eyeline

gardeners delve into the ditches of

gluttony

and gas inflated egos.

Clouds shape into the visions of the future

rabbits yielding machetes

and smiling terror

tracing silhouettes of your voice

on the palm of my hand

silver rings hugging

the fears of disloyal teddy bears.

Glass shatters

so sporadically

on the wings of horseflies

and the points of nettles

Tears are spilled with the sting

of torn knees.

Time destroys youth

Such simplicity gripped by the big hand

and smashed by the little

We grow up

and the magic dies-

logically.