Rant...

Am I seriously supposed to hold loyal to the thought that family is the most important unit of my life? Am I supposed to drop every single ball I have juggling in the air to help him out? I mean I could, I could bring myself to go home and take care of it; appease his selfish belief that I owe him something just because we so happen to share a mother. 

Really?

I can't get away from his bullshit affairs and half arsed promises. He erases two years of my life and throws me straight back into the cesspit that was my life before I dragged my ass out of that. I fixed my attitude and dismissed those people from my life. If I can do it, why can't he?

For years he was my idol.. the one person I looked up to when I needed something; guidance. He could do no wrong and I defended him against everything. Even the drug thing didn't bother me so much. The night he snapped at me for refusing to take it, I accepted his apology. The slaps I got for thinking I was better than the people I was surrounded by, I accepted them too. He was my brother. His affection was boundless, always willing to drop what he was doing for me so that I would smile. I listened to every syllable that he spoke with such care that I was slowly evolving into his carbon copy. 

I don't want to be him. I can't allow myself to be when I have worked so hard to escape the grips of his ignorance. He throws me straight back in every time he asks for a favour. I know instantly that it is going to end in my arrest or hospitalisation. I need to get away from it, yet I feel instantly gulty when I say no.

I get nervous when I am with people that I know are on drugs; an indescribable need to get away from the situation takes over and I become a total introvert. I exist in my head and can create a total barrier of protection. If I refuse to acknowledge the 'threat' it can't harm me.

I am totally willing to help him. I want to help him fix his life. I wish I could instantly take things and make them better for him. I would give him whatever he wanted if I could guarantee he wouldn't throw it back in my face again within seconds. I would fight his fights, I would listen to his woes and I would break his habit if I could. I would give him the air from my lungs if I thought I could have him back.

He is a stranger to me. I love him more than anything but I dislike him just as strongly. I cannot confide in him like I once could. I fear his reaction to my life, keeping even the simplest and most inconsequential details to myself because I know that within one minute he will degrade it and make me feel like my excitement is fruitless. I know he is wrong yet I fear his disapproval about all aspects of my life. 

I hate that I have to whine in a fucking blog because she refuses to believe he is an ass. Her blindness to his bullshit tears me apart and every single time I do something I get judged against what he has done. His actions always seem to please her more. I can't seem to just let it go though.

Sibling rivalry?

It can't be, because he isn't my brother.

Apparently my brother got ground down and snorted.

I want my brother back.