Wednesday 27 May 2009

Circles

Walking in circles
Destroying the shape
Wanting to break free of the cycle.

Kicking up heels 
In a cloud of clear dust
Explaining the thoughts with simplicity

Turning the corners
Intriguingly real reactions
Brought forwards on wings of demons

Wounds bleeding heavily
Flesh torn apart at the seams
Hemorrhaging unwanted details obtrusively

Tongues clicking secretly
Words built with thick cement
Falling and crushing all arguments

Walking in circles
Feet bleeding and sore
Trying to break free of the cycle.

Tuesday 12 May 2009

Rant...

Am I seriously supposed to hold loyal to the thought that family is the most important unit of my life? Am I supposed to drop every single ball I have juggling in the air to help him out? I mean I could, I could bring myself to go home and take care of it; appease his selfish belief that I owe him something just because we so happen to share a mother. 
Really?

I can't get away from his bullshit affairs and half arsed promises. He erases two years of my life and throws me straight back into the cesspit that was my life before I dragged my ass out of that. I fixed my attitude and dismissed those people from my life. If I can do it, why can't he?

For years he was my idol.. the one person I looked up to when I needed something; guidance. He could do no wrong and I defended him against everything. Even the drug thing didn't bother me so much. The night he snapped at me for refusing to take it, I accepted his apology. The slaps I got for thinking I was better than the people I was surrounded by, I accepted them too. He was my brother. His affection was boundless, always willing to drop what he was doing for me so that I would smile. I listened to every syllable that he spoke with such care that I was slowly evolving into his carbon copy. 

I don't want to be him. I can't allow myself to be when I have worked so hard to escape the grips of his ignorance. He throws me straight back in every time he asks for a favour. I know instantly that it is going to end in my arrest or hospitalisation. I need to get away from it, yet I feel instantly gulty when I say no.

I get nervous when I am with people that I know are on drugs; an indescribable need to get away from the situation takes over and I become a total introvert. I exist in my head and can create a total barrier of protection. If I refuse to acknowledge the 'threat' it can't harm me.

I am totally willing to help him. I want to help him fix his life. I wish I could instantly take things and make them better for him. I would give him whatever he wanted if I could guarantee he wouldn't throw it back in my face again within seconds. I would fight his fights, I would listen to his woes and I would break his habit if I could. I would give him the air from my lungs if I thought I could have him back.

He is a stranger to me. I love him more than anything but I dislike him just as strongly. I cannot confide in him like I once could. I fear his reaction to my life, keeping even the simplest and most inconsequential details to myself because I know that within one minute he will degrade it and make me feel like my excitement is fruitless. I know he is wrong yet I fear his disapproval about all aspects of my life. 

I hate that I have to whine in a fucking blog because she refuses to believe he is an ass. Her blindness to his bullshit tears me apart and every single time I do something I get judged against what he has done. His actions always seem to please her more. I can't seem to just let it go though.

Sibling rivalry?
It can't be, because he isn't my brother.
Apparently my brother got ground down and snorted.
I want my brother back. 

Sunday 10 May 2009

Peanut

Tucked away in a small dark room, candlelight flickering seductively against the sweaty walls, he sips his drink in complete solitude. Voices of strangers cloud around him in order to orchestrate a cacophony of hysteria. Excitable nonsense of vital importance – to someone. He didn’t mind the noise so much as the people creating it; arrogant suits of sheer ignorance. People really just didn’t understand. They really don’t want to he supposed. His mind drifted quickly to a wildlife show he had been watching recently; alpha males and the hierarchy of packs. It seemed fitting.

Peering into the depths of the glass in front of him, swirling the dark liquid slowly, he sighed. Thoughts permeated the thick layer of silence he had built and it wound him up. Every second in which he sat still a war of words took place within his mind. The decision he faced in his every day life began to creep up on him slyly, making him nervous and leaving him in a state of depression which he couldn’t quite lift. Draining the glass of its final mouthful, he stood quickly and brought the glass down upon the skull of the loudest man he could hear with enough force to render the man unconscious.


“It is simply fucking unnatural”, he bellowed quite obtrusively.

He held himself with the vigour of a man that believed quite stubbornly that his opinions were always right. His party of four other men were quite sheepish in comparison. They had a tendency to nod meekly and sit on the fence when asked about anything which may be even a little controversial.

“Sex just shouldn’t be had between two people of the same gender.”

They all laughed heartily, ignoring the looks of everyone sitting within earshot. The quiet man two stools down looked like he had been kicked in the balls. The torturing look on his face was enough to make them all a little wary of him.

“I mean I am a red blooded male, don’t get me wrong,” he continued, “two men fucking turns my stomach- two women on the other hand..”

The shards of glass rained down ferociously. His large, limp body hit the floor with enough force to shake the bar stools the length of the room. Gasps of timid horror went up amongst the small grouping of men, their childlike apprehension at the subject suddenly becoming more apparent as none of them had the courage or the stupidity to protest.


She idly fingered the ring of water which had collected in the space where her glass had been. Her eyes roamed the room, falling upon the group of men laughing raucously. She couldn’t quite figure out why she didn’t like them. Their sharp suits and handsome features should, really, have been reasons to be attracted to them. However, the nervous looks on the quieter faces and the arrogant way in which the louder man held himself made her suspicious of them.

Slowly drinking her water, she looked at the silent, lonely man a few stools along. He looked sad, deep in thought at things unknown. She was curious, she wanted to believe he was a kind hearted man; his eyes lowered just enough to hide any sort of clue within them. She couldn’t help but want to sit with him, even if it were to be in silence.

Looking back at her watch, she became frustrated. She was late again. She always does this, she thought absent-mindedly as the irritation within her grew stronger. She really should have known she would turn up to meet her with empty apologies, bottomless excuses and breathless promises for their next meeting. Smiling suddenly, the irritation subsiding a little, at least the sex tonight would be fantastic; angry and apologetic – her favourite kind.

As the smash cut through the air, she was ripped violently from her little fantasy. The gorilla in the suit was on the floor, passed out seemingly. The quiet man was on his feet, seething, blood trickling slowly from his closed fist slowly, incredibly slowly, rolling down his arm.

“Didn’t see that one coming,” she laughed softly to herself.

Just as she was about to give up, she tumbled into the room.

“Hey peanut. I am so sorry I am late.”

“It’s okay, baby. Let’s get out of here.”