I am allowing this bullshit negativity manifest into an uncontrollable surge of complete despair too easily. The violent sobbing is inducing a dry heaving of complete doubt and an upsurge of acidic rage. I am letting this go too far so I should just stop it. Stop letting things build on to my shoulders. I can't hold them all up. Not now. I am weakening past the point of no return and I am fighting with every part of my soul to stop it. I refuse to let myself get that far into the hole again. I refuse to let my determination waver in anyway. Yes it would be easier just to pack up and fuck off back home with a sob story and a broken ego, but then I would be proving them all right.
I think my pride is the only thing that keeps me from doing it. The fact that I won't let anyone be proved right is keeping me on my feet. If I fall I will have to stand and receive the "I told you so" glares and the torturous glances of judgement. I'm not fucking stupid, regardless of how many times you make me feel it. I know I am capable of doing this. I know I can be everything and more. I just need you to believe in me for one second. Stop throwing the doubts of finances and worries about my job at me. Look at the bigger fucking picture and stop being so ignorant.
You tell me that I am being naive. I call it being optimistic. I can't let myself think that it might not happen because then I will get comfortable with the idea and give up. You really want me to come home, because you think I would be better off? Or do you want me to go back because you can't get your head around the idea that I may have found a way out of that miserable existence you call life there. I will never be that person. I will never ever be satisfied with what you have. I will never be able to get excited with the things that are so ridiculously basic. You call it snobery, I call it ambition.
I can't believe you actually told me that I shouldn't rule out a career as a shop assistant. Honestly. Are you fucking kidding me!? I have a dream that is, I have to admit, completely achievable for me. I have the brains. I have some of the skill and you want me to keep my options open in relation to working in fucking Tesco for the rest of my life. Great fucking role model you are. Seriously, you should write a self help book on how to turn your ambition into shit.
I think sometimes you want me to turn out like him. I think you are scared that I will be a success. I can never be happy in that life. Ever. Every single time you tell me that I am in some way lesser than him, it rips a small hole in me. Small enough that I can hide it from you, but big enough that I actually start to doubt who I am and who I am meant to be.
He is a fucking addict.
He has no job.
He is facing prison.
I have never touched drugs.
I have my own money.
I am in University.
And I am the one that is failing, just because he has a girlfriend and a home now?!
I think you forget that I am still 6 years younger than him. I am six years younger yet I have already started my own life completely independent of you and your fucked up priorities. I will never be like him, no, but unlike you I see that as something to be proud of.
We're actually starting to get along for the first time in years, and I can't help but envy him because regardless of how much he fucks up, I will still never be as good as him. I resent him for your comparison of me to him. It's sad really.
Not as sad as knowing that regardless of how amazing my life is, you will never ever be able to let go of the minor fucking details, and you wil never truly know me.
I love you, but please just leave me the fuck alone.
