I am slowly losing all hold over all of my emotion. I get so angry so very easily. The closer they get to her, the closer I am to snapping. Yeah, she is old enough that I shouldn't have to baby her anymore, but I need to. It is my one and only connection with control these days. I can't just let go of that just yet. For as long as she is needs me, I will need that. I know it gets me into more trouble than anything else; I am incapable of walking away. My sister needs my strength more than I ever will, as far as I am concerned.
Every second I am fighting in a million arguments in my mind. Pushing down every surge of aggression that threatens to rip through my frame and bring me to my knees. Every breath I take is an excruciatingly painful plan of power. I do what I want, when I want. Or so it seems.
I have lived with this attitude, this insane mentality of me being untouchable, for so long that when she came along and changed it, I was so far in shock that I couldn't stop it. I am completely weak, in so many uncomfortable ways, yet I rely so heavily on her and her thoughts, emotion, that to stop it now would be psycho-suicide. I want to be here, in this exact spot.. her spot. I haven't tried to run. It is still possible that I may try, but for now I am keeping my cool and just rolling with it. A total character change. I adore her so thoroughly. I want her; this.
Someday I will be able to face every demon that continues to haunt me. I will swallow my pride and I will apologise for every second of pain I have ever inflicted on anyone. For now, however; I will be my usual self. I will let myself get caught up in this. I want to be selfish and enjoy this with no need to save her from me and my personality's many flaws.
I can however, guarantee that I will make some major changes. I will ignore any other person that comes and tries to attack me personally. I won't stand up to their challenge on my worth. Unless I see that someone around me needs it, my strength and arrogance (in some cases) will be put away and I will stand bare. I will behave.
